The City of Pittsburgh is under a citywide diaper ban after several instances prove the substance to be fatal. According to sources, Pittsburgh residents are reporting close encounters with "psychotic attackers" attempting to throw them at people. Diapers have been the subject of controversy for several weeks ever since Warren County attacked the industrial city of Tionesta by dropping diapers from drones. The town has taken weeks to recover and says they are working to produ

It has been a long four weeks since the initial invasion that escalated to County War 1. What started out as border patrol agents monitoring East Crawford changed to complete havoc on the north side of Oil City. Several counties responded to Venango's call for aid with West Crawford sending the largest militia of men armed with Meow Mix. Now, the only thing keeping Venango free from East Crawford tyranny is the siege of Franklin. Clarion County sent soldiers to Oil City rough

County War 1 may finally be turning in favor of the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization. Half the East Crawford military invading Venango County is officially neutralized after one soldier fell into a pothole outside the Cranberry Mall. This makes two times this has happened since last summer. Entrenched in the potholes of the Cranberry Mall were West Crawford troops who were previously warned of the dangers. Venango County potholes are much like glaciers. When you fall

The invasion of Venango County has been advantageous for Titusville and their space program. TASA has officially announced plans to launch a satellite into space with the strongest material their county can afford. The news hit the media shortly after Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, and self declared president of East Crawford, signed an executive order to increase the space program budget by three dollars. TASA did not hesitate to hold meetings on where they would invest the b

Let's face it! Franklin has become a dumping ground for water fumes generated by electrical shock. Thankfully, air quality is about to become less electrically vaporized after City Council approved an ordinance to keep incoming businesses outside of their bubble. According to sources, a new thousand foot rule is being implemented, requiring new vape shops to stay a thousand feet away from everyone who thinks they are better for not smoking. "We were initially going to apply t

Titusville — Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has finally announced his intent behind the invasion of Venango County. In a press briefing this morning, Dumbdumb revealed to the Crawford Carnage his objective in overthrowing the Venango Aeronautics and Space Administration, otherwise known as VASA. After a year of disputing with Mayor Blunders of Oil City, Dumbdumb felt that it was time to show his might by sending two military men past the border patrol to overtake Oil City. The

The invasion of northern Venango County has impacted the politics of Mayor Blunders’ attempt to progress the county in a new direction. Several initiatives put forth by Mayor Blunders last year are now on hold because of the war between the counties. This is not to say that they weren't on hold already, given that the county budget is approximately two cents. The war, however, has most definitely made it impossible for President Blunders to invest those two pennies in anythin

Last year, an initiative was put forth to create community interest on social media with a group called "What's Happening in Pithole." The page instantly went viral by local standards with a following exceeding their population. Nonetheless, the community has not done much with the page. So far, in the first year, the page only has approximately three posts with no information on anything happening in the town. Mayor Isolation of Pithole expressed his disappointment in commun

Significant ground has been lost as a result of the recent invasion of Venango County. Military personnel are scattered between Cranberry and Franklin with three armies struggling to combat East Crawford’s military of two men. The German shepherd fighting force armed with Meow Mix is pinned down in the potholes outside of the Cranberry Mall. Sources say there are at least five personnel in this group sent by the West Crawford military struggling to prevent advances by East Cr

The city of Erie has created an initiative to determine whether nonprofit organizations are plentiful enough to address nonprofit needs. According to sources, the identity of nonprofit organizations that make up the greater Erie area is one people can't get enough of. Consequently, Mayor Paranoia of Erie, Pennsylvania has instructed city officials to form a task force in the form of a nonprofit organization to study how many more nonprofits the region needs. “We could really

The last word was a misspelling. Clarion was not struck with a plague. What we meant to report is that one of the teachers at the university was hit in the head with a plaque commemorating his years of being on staff. The Venango County Military has successfully driven East Crawford out of Oil City. Unfortunately, it has come at the cost of driving them into the neighboring city of Cranberry Township. The dilemma facing each military is that East Crawford is sandwiched betwee

A Shippenville man is in hot water after taking more than a day to pay his speeding ticket. According to sources, Ivan Hoeleecow sped through Shippenville at a rate of 40 miles per hour before being pulled over by a state trooper. The officer approached the vehicle cautiously. Upon arriving, the window went down. The officer verbalized something reporters could not decipher. This was just before the vehicle operator handed over what looked like his license, registration, and

Mayor Blunders of Oil City and self-declared president of the Venango States of America performed his first-ever state of the Union address in the McDonald’s in Cranberry Township outside of Seneca. The reason for the relocation is due to the ongoing war with East Crawford on the edge of Oil City. East Crawford invaded the north side of Oil City several weeks ago and has since driven West Crawford up Seneca Hill. Subjects ranged from foreign policy with neighboring counties t

Abandoned trash has become the epitome of rundown neighborhoods in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. According to sources, small communities in the Pittsburgh region have considered relocating to Homewood, since the killers at least try to clean up their mess there. Recent studies find that for every baby born, at least six couches are left on a hillside. While this has technically made areas look hideous, experts agree it has solved the housing crisis for pests like bedbugs. In resp

The nation of Washington County is creating a stir in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region after demanding complete ownership of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. According to sources, Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, told the press this morning that Washington County is prepared to do whatever is necessary to gain control of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, capital of Allegheny County, states that he do

An attack on Warren was successfully deterred due to superior defenses. According to sources, Forest County conducted an operation to retaliate against Warren after several diapers were dropped on Tionesta last week. The operation involved one soldier armed with a fishing pole ordered to march onto Warren. Upon arrival, the military began attacking structures by beating them with the fishing rod. To the dismay of the soldier, his weapons were inferior to the quality of the st

Venango County forces have made their first move in the war with East Crawford. After returning from their week-long nap at the border on Route 8, Laurel and Hardy, who make up 2/3rds of the Venango County Military, attacked the north side of Oil City in an attempt to drive East Crawford out. Consequently, they just drove them further into the county instead. During the week-long absence of the Venango County Military, the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization banded toge

The industrial city of Marienville was taken by surprise yesterday when a convoy of two East Crawford troops entered their borders. According to sources, the defenses surrounding the city were completely unprepared for the onslaught due to the lack of defenses existing. The East Crawford soldiers are believed to have entered by way of Warren County just before heading south towards Marienville. Upon arrival, the convoy did not hesitate to mercilessly take out their lawn chair

The Venango County Military has successfully arrived in Oil City after receiving word that their defenses were compromised. According to sources, Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military began making their way back to the County Capital after learning of their blunder in letting the enemy surpass them. The two soldiers reportedly turned back a half hour after leaving their post on Route 8. Sources say that in the process of rushing to Oil City, they forgot to pick up t

In the week leading up to this point, Venango County has been compromised by two East Crawford troops. The enemy laying seige to Oil City’s northside surpassed the Venango County military checkpoint when border patrol was sleeping. Venango's capital of Oil City lost communication when the carrier pigeon was cooked for breakfast. Mayor Blunders of Oil City called for the aid of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, who sent troops from West Crawford, Clarion, and Jeff