President Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County has announced plans to send logs to the aid of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County. This came after a press briefing this morning, where Dambuilder expressed his desire to preserve a strong relationship with Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh. Entrenched outside the city limits, the forces representing the Venango County military are waiting to make their move. Nine-year-old Timmy, as well as Laurel and Hardy, who serve as Venango County's o

The call for aid has been answered in the wake of West Crawford's invasion of Venango County. According to sources, Mayor Sockett of Grove City, capital of Mercer County, and Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford County, are sending soldiers to defend Oil City against the three enemy soldiers approaching Venango's capital. Additional reports state that a band of soldiers have bypassed Venango's industrial city of Pleasantville. To avoid the unpleasant eyesore,

Venango County is under attack by our two northern enemies. According to smoke signals received from Pleasantville, soldiers representing East Crawford and Warren County have crossed the border and are marching toward Oil City. The smoke signals have indicated that the soldiers representing Warren County have bypassed the industrial city of Pleasantville. Rather than enduring the eyesore, it seems that they have chosen to go the long way. Meanwhile, East Crawford forces are m

The war with Allegheny has now progressed to its capital of Pittsburgh. The soldiers making up the Allegheny military have successfully retreated to their homeland with oil cities, rotary phone, and carrier pigeon. Now the three military members making up the Venango County military are laying siege to the city, preparing to fire spitballs upon the steel structures. The war has been costly for Allegheny, with at least six of their soldiers reportedly taking spitballs to the f

The Battle of the Rotary Phone is exhibiting mixed results between progress and a deviation from the preferred goal. While Venango pushes toward the capital of Allegheny to regain their telecommunication devices, Butler's military has successfully pushed the soldiers of Clarion into Armstrong County. Nine-year-old Timmy has been working hard alongside Laurel and Hardy, the three of which make up the Venango County military. After surpassing Butler's border patrol and pressing

News from the battlefield reveals that the Venango County military has successfully driven Allegheny troops back to their homeland. Which, when you consider the mission of taking back Oil City's rotary phone and carrier pigeon, could technically constitute as a failure on the part of our troops. Nonetheless, President Mayor Blunders has announced to the public victory in the Battle of Butler. Because the Allegheny troops fled to where they were fleeing to, our soldiers are no

On the battlefield, north of Main Street, the Venango County military finds themselves surrounded. Allegheny soldiers are encamped in the center of Butler's capital, of Butler, with Butler County soldiers blocking Venango soldiers' passage on the north side of town. Venango's infantry is surrounded, with all three members doing what they can to conserve their spitballs and muffin hand grenades. Meanwhile, to the east, a familiar group of men surface on a foggy morning. The ba

Venango County's recently hired bike messenger has been apprehended at the border of Butler, where two opposing military members have been stationed to guard the border wall. According to sources, the messenger was supposed to go by another route, but accidentally made a wrong turn on Oneida Valley Road just before he fell into enemy hands. The bike messenger is facing minor wounds after enemy soldiers knocked him off his bicycle by smacking him with a towel. Negotiations are

The departure of the Venango County military has left the northern front completely unguarded. According to sources, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, capital of East Crawford, is assembling soldiers, numbering about two men, for a potential invasion on Venango County soil. The report of the enemy's assembly came via telegram to our offices at the crumbling Catholic church. With times being so difficult, we were unable to tip the bicycle rider. It seems that Dumbdumb may be prepa

A spitball fight between the Venango military and Allegheny soldiers has left four men wounded on the enemy side. According to sources, a barrage of spitballs rained down on the Allegheny military at 5 p.m. Monday, forcing several of them to seek shelter. Each wound is reportedly curable, as the enemy soldiers have only noted rust marks on their faces. One soldier comments that although they are made entirely of steel, a continual barrage of spitballs could cause them to move

A standoff is taking place at Ritts Park, just north of Butler. Young, 9-year-old Timmy has successfully reached the north side of Butler County's capital of Butler and is laying siege to their city. The attack began last night around 9 p.m. when Timmy unexpectedly surfaced on State Highway 8, in view of Butler's capital. Allegheny soldiers were reportedly surprised by the attack and began assembling defenses at the edge of the city. Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of Am

Venango County's youngest military member has escaped his parents' household and is now heading south through Butler County to engage the Allegheny Military. According to the mother of nine-year-old Timmy, her son is not in his bedroom. Instead, his window is broken, and a note has been left behind. Sources state that the note is likely in Timmy's handwriting, though it is difficult to tell since every student from Seventh Street Elementary uses the same poor legibility. All

The Allegheny Military has made off with Oil City's one and only rotary phone to prevent Mayor Blunders from calling Pittsburgh. Now, Westmoreland says they will come to Oil City's aid by replacing the phone with a brand-new one. Westmoreland and Venango County have a history of getting on Mayor Steelhead's nerves. Mayor Rebel of Westmoreland regularly calls Pittsburgh with a request to possess portions of Allegheny County in his drive to expand westward. Similarly, Mayor Blu

Tensions in the North have the nation of Erie on the verge of a civil war. Mayor Paranoia of the city of Erie, capital of Erie County, states that he is not ready to make a treaty with the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization on the left, Zugnar Aliance on the right After more than four months of hiding beneath his mattress, Mayor Paranoia finally made a public statement from the Presque Isle bay front. Paranoia informed the nati

Mayor Bighorn of Elk County is demanding reparations from the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, with allegations that his loss in County War One cost him millions in acquired land. The four-month-long war between the Zugnar Alliance and the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization almost resulted in the whole of Western PA being branded with the image of an elk. Now, tensions are once again rising despite peace treaties formally established. Planet Western Pensylvan

The Allegheny military has officially laid siege to the Capitol building, which is the city outhouse. According to reports, troops sent by Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh have successfully breached the outer defenses of Oil City, gaining possession of Venango County's Capitol building. The devastation is beyond words, according to President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America. The city has officially lost their only rotary phone, which is now in the hands of Alleghe

Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek has officially revealed why his township has kept Erie at the end of its Mall Gun's barrel for half a century. In a press briefing this morning, the coyote in sheep's clothing told the press that Millcreek has been waiting for the opportunity to take over the City of Erie, thereby claiming themselves as the county seat. It has been an act of genius planning. After erecting the building in 1975, Millcreek led the City of Erie to believe the Mall Gu

Allegheny troops have officially passed through Butler, reaching the southern border of Venango County. According to sources, soldiers are progressing northward towards the city of Franklin, where they will establish a post before progressing to the capital of Oil City. At 12 p.m. yesterday, a pigeon was sent to warn the Venango County military, who are currently guarding the border of Warren. Unfortunately, the pigeon flew southward in the same direction of the Allegheny mil

Disputes between Venango and Butler began a year ago, after Mayor Blunders constructed a two by four wall to prevent Butler residents from crossing over Venango's southern border. After Blunders sent Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military to help enforce the border regulations, Butler sent their own military men to ensure that Venango residents were not crossing into their nation. Butler meets Venango Venango has since redeployed their troops to the northern border a

The city of Erie announced that it has enough firewood for the rest of winter. As of September 2nd, Mayor Paranoia states that an instant modification to the vegetation of the region has allowed the city to have burnable tinder before the cold months begin. “I spent much of that evening hiding under my mattress,” states Mayor Paranoia, President of Erie County. “When I woke Thursday morning, it was brought to my attention that several downed trees were conveniently placed for