Butler Military Apprehends Bike Messenger: Venango Secrets Spilled

Venango County's recently hired bike messenger has been apprehended at the border of Butler, where two opposing military members have been stationed to guard the border wall. According to sources, the messenger was supposed to go by another route, but accidentally made a wrong turn on Oneida Valley Road just before he fell into enemy hands.

The bike messenger is facing minor wounds after enemy soldiers knocked him off his bicycle by smacking him with a towel. Negotiations are now being made to free the prisoner, despite the fact that Oil City has nothing of value to give.

Meanwhile, the telegram sent to warn Laurel and Hardy of East Crawford's potential invasion has fallen into the hands of Butler soldiers. We are learning that the Border Patrol is now moving southward to prevent Laurel and Hardy from re-entering Venango County.

Butler's recent military movements

Although Laurel and Hardy are armed with state-of-the-art spitball launchers, the Butler military men are skilled in deflecting projectiles with their quality linens. While the apprehended bike messenger politely waits at the border wall for his captors to return, Venango County's military has no idea they are about to be attacked from the north.

Experts expect a standoff to take place on the opposite side of where Venango soldiers have been standing off the last three days. This means Venango's entire reginmemt will be sandwiched between the Butler County military and the Allegheny military, leaving Oil City with no forces to defend against East Crawford, should they choose to invade.

So far, there are no fatalities between the nations of Butler, Venango, and Allegheny. All that can be determined is that Mayor Blunders' endeavor to get back Oil City's rotary phone may have cost Venango their national security.