Extraterestrial Beings are furious at the City of Erie after it was announced this morning that they will not rename Presque Isle to honor the legendary E.T. According to information from the Erie E. Coli, several bids to change the name were dismissed without any consideration of how close it resembles the hand of the former Erie native. An image can be seen below to help guide readers who suck at this kind of thing... Presque Isle without labels on left. With labels on righ

A Millcreek resident with ancestry dating back thousands of years is facing backlash for trying to be involved in its local community. According to sources from the Erie Werewolf Times, Ms. Kai O.T. is facing criticism online for her attempt to stand in someone's yard and exist as a form of decor. The outburst began at about 8 p.m. Wednesday evening when Miss O.T. was captured on camera standing in a yard near the J.S. Wilson Middle School. The picture was posted online and i

For readers residing outside of Venango County, one of our local restaurants now has a protective barrier featuring a guide rail less than six feet long. We don't really have many issues with cars flying into that restaurant, but it seems the city felt the need to place a barrier there anyways. To add to the confusion, those driving on Benjamin's side still get to keep two lanes. However, the one on the far left must turn left now. Images depicting the before and after effect

The decline of participating students at Penn West Clarion has created a fear among locals about the future of their historic university. Since the pandemic of 2020, enrollment has dropped to half of what was originally the annual average attendance. Now, experts are predicting economic hardship stemming from the industry that justified the presence of their young population. In a press release today, university president, Admitda Feet, encouraged students to remind their fri

A fictional news anchor is being praised by us for an unexpected act of heroism. After observing hostile interactions between two boats, an analyst intervened, saving what could have been countless lives. We say “could have been” because Scallywags technically did not have to limit their visitation to 20 visitors. The event took place around 1:30 p.m., Sunday afternoon, just off the pier of the Bicentennial Tower. The Scallywags tour vessel was unexpectedly attacked by a mini

Cranberry's only mall cop states that he may consider retirement after last week's humiliating altercation with a squirrel. During an interview with The Venango Republic's official stone mason, George Washington, Jamal Fart stated that he is growing tired of the crime world after 40 years of service. "The younger generation just doesn't know how to respect law enforcement anymore," Fart told Washington, just before blowing another one. "I try to get through to these kids that

An official community report states that an unspecified number of chickens were set loose near a CVS located in Millcreek. The location of the CVS is vague, with only reference to a Sterrettania right below a CVS.... Whatever the Hell that means.... Huh... The more you know.... The report was made via a Millcreek community page on Facebook. Several locals were quick to respond with their sympathies for the KFC primary ingredient. Unfortunately, only one felt it was appropriat

A parking meter malfunction has drastically impacted Venango County and its capital of Oil City, with a temporary police order preventing people from using the space. According to sources, the meter, located just outside of the Venango County Museum on Seneca Street, has disappeared completely, with what experts are saying is an intentional removal for maintenance. The sign became visible to the public at about 3 p.m. Thursday afternoon. Shortly thereafter, the Oil City stock

A recent trend of breaking local laws has one business in danger of finding alternatives to windows. According to sources, 1020 Collective in downtown Erie is trying to decide if it is worth paying staff to pick up glass off the floor, or simply replace their windows with bricks that can collapse on people when they try to vandalize the property. The dilemma came about after a window unexpectedly separated itself from the building. According to sources, it did receive some as

Jamal Fart has served in the Cranberry Mall for nearly 40 years. In that time, he has been responsible for ensuring that all merchandise is paid for prior to exiting the building. Early on as a rookie, he faced many challenges with other cops who held seniority over him. Now, he remains as the only one on staff. Throughout his tenure, Jamal Fart has made several temporary arrests that gained him recognition on the staff bulletin board. Those detained served sentences of up to

After 27 years of proudly serving the community, Smokey Bones sadly announced a permanent closure that shocked the region. According to sources, the owner was unable to make a profit on selling specially smoked skeletal remains. Not even his cracked, ribless chunks could save the business. “We had a wide selection of bones that we would cook on the grill with our special homemade seasonings,” states Chef Skeleton. “From bat spine to moose jaw, people would come in seven night

You know them as the couple famous for her rich sugar-flavored cake people typically spit out. Donna Dogmat and Dennis Doormat have appeared on the cover of Hearse Magazine and were even featured on the fridge of Hearse Extended Family. Today, the duo has officially announced the opening of a new quality oxygen sales service that Doormat wants nothing to do with. With real air being pushed out of the picture, one of them believes this is the future of sustaining personal stup

This poor pile had to celebrate its dump day alone after loads of controversy, amounting to less than the size of one of its bricks, hit social media. A Millcreek resident took to Facebook expressing concern over the hazard being left in the middle of a sidewalk. With minimal effort to secure the perimeter with snake pits, something had to be done. The comment section was filled with sarcasm, but The Venango Republic still takes the matter seriously. Idiots are a minority in

The city of Titusville has roots dating back to the ancient world of American origins. Founded in 1796 A.D., the city of Titusville began as a village under the authority of one Sir Titus of Rome Township, who moved to the greasy township of Oil Creek to separate himself from the empire he once served. By 1866 A.D., Sir Titus of Rome progressed his village into the epicenter of ancient Western Pennsylvanian culture, with an empire never before seen. Not only did the citizens

They technically can't take all the credit since Mother Nature did the work, but Morrison Park in Seneca will now feature water attractions at the base of their playgrounds after rain filled their less elevated ground with muddy water. The innovations have been years in the making, with no official move made until last night's thunderstorm. Now, the park is open with water attractions fun for every kid. Although mothers everywhere will be furious having to wash the mud out of

The excessive digging up and down the Liberty Street stretch in Franklin, Pennsylvania, can finally come to an end after work crews finally found their co-worker's keys, according to utility workers. Crews had finally completed their ninth hole in the last two weeks and were fortunate to find the item they've been looking for this entire time. "We have been to three different towns since the search began," states Mr. Hardhat of Polk, Pennsylvania. "I had almost lost hope that

We all understand that cats are just kiss-ups who want food. They purr, rub up against you, and then eat your face when you die. Because of their cute persona, it is natural to grieve the death of one. Ironically, the house centipede is one people kill without conviction, despite the fact that it will not feed on your corpse if you pass away. It is clear that despite the love and affection humans show to cats, they do not appreciate us enough to not eat our faces when we die.

It was an unexpected moment for both women who had not seen each other since dinner the night before. Clara and Tara of Meadville are college students entering their second year, both seeking degrees in mental health with a focus on separation anxiety. Finding the courage to be apart as long as they did took emotional regulation they are not used to exhibiting. That is, except when they do it every day. "I looked up, and there she was," states Tara, who meets Clara at the exa