An Oil City resident is under fire after admitting his involvement in the destruction of the northern steeple of St. Stephens Church. According to unreliable sources, the man responsible was attempting to hang a banner with 93 theses on it before causing the top portion to implode. His excavator has been confiscated along with monk status. "I just had a bunch of ideas to share." States the man who has been identified as Marty McLuthy. "I wasn't trying to destroy the steeple.

A humble Erie resident has gained citywide fame after a mishap that took place last Saturday. A man who from now on will forever be known as Beefcake prevented a disastrous situation when he pulled an intoxicated man away from the stage at the Voodoo Bar and Grill on State Street. Overnight, the man became an Erie legend due to his muscular upper torso and fearless, heroic demeanor. After our article hit the internet, the man who we refer to as Beefcake texted our CEO to say

Erie's most famous outdoor happy hour experience is now facing the risk of losing a chunk of their demographic. According to reports by the Erie Eardrum, an entrepreneur is planning to open up an outdoor catering experience with a unique twist Oliver's has not adopted. The woman responsible for opening the monstrosity is one Karen Suckit, of 865 Prick Street. Karen states that she has wanted to offer an experience to Erie that would give Oliver's a run for its money. Now, sev

A visitor to Erie's annual Celebrate Erie festival, managed to lose his car due to a simple oversight of NOT noting which street he left it on. This came after personal stupidity drove him to ignore corner street signs that were clearly visible when he walked right by. According to sources, the man who lost his vehicle has been identified as the creator of the Venango Republic. After arriving at approximately 12:42 p.m. on Saturday, he exited his car just beyond the corner of

It was a daring but necessary act to impress the friend who lacked courage to do the same pointless thing. Young Francis Footmodel risked everything Tuesday night when he approached a strangers house, driving the heel of his foot gently into the lowest possible level of the front door, before making his daring escape. Click picture for video "I was scared for sure." Francis Footmodel told the press. "I really tried to keep it light because breaking my foot would ruin my abili

Does carrying heavy objects require more strength? A study from Fairview University in Butler County suggests that the more weight that's applied to an object, the more muscle one must have to lift it effectively. All 24 subjects, who make up the town's population, were placed in a room for professors to observe. Each subject was handed items of various weight quantities. Professors noted that the two most differentiating objects were the anvil and the toothbrush, which seeme

The City of Pittsburgh is being investigated for allegations of misleading tourists with the phrase "Steel City." This came after a woman fell 20 feet through a collapsed stairway, requiring assistance to save her. The incident took place Sunday, August 2nd, on the 2500 block of Mission Street. A woman was walking on a set of stairs that experts state were actually made of rotting wood. The woman is said to have fallen through to a depth of about 20 feet, requiring her to rec

Everyone knows how vital State Street is during rush hour for the highly successful businessmen that make Oil City a thriving metropolis. Unfortunately, the crumbling Catholic church, known as the only building to feature trees growing out of its roof, now poses a danger to the vehicles below. Hence, why authorities have shut down State Street, creating a major inconvenience. Trees featured on Crumbling Catholic Church The situation is so severe that the left-turning lane on

An attempt to promote violence? Or an honest mistake? That is the question plaguing many locals who thought they knew Brenda McCullough personally. A social media post encouraging its readers to believe that they make the world a better place is facing backlash because of its potential violent implications. Rather than expounding on the statement, McCullough left it vague enough for anyone to be encouraged by the sentiment, including Adolf Hitler, who was among the readers co

Founder and CEO of the Venango Republic, Blobbert Blobfish, sat down with the host of 33 1/3 Minutes for an exclusive televised interview about his role in fictional news. To say that the success of the Venango Republic is unimaginable would be an overstatement considering Blobbert's history of fudging viewership. Nonetheless, when applying the philosophy of counting non-followers as if they are followers, the Venango Republic has exceeded all expectations. "The real world ha

A recent standard enforced by Erie City lawmakers requires all children beneath the age of 18 to remain indoors from 10 PM and 6 AM. Now, lawmakers say they are facing scrutiny for citing adults who simply lack identification. Mildred Gerdtrude, a lifelong resident of Erie Pennsylvania, says she was unable to produce identification when an officer unexpectedly asked where her parents were. "My nurse tells me my parents died over 30 years ago." States Mrs. Gerdtrude of Presque

A Venango County resident is in shock after being encouraged to "killdeer". This came after he posted an image of an agressive bird with deadly intentions. "I wanted to warn the people that this bird chirped at me rudely." States Talented Personality, a Lancaster native residing in Venango County. "I was walking along and suddenly was attacked by this tiny ferrosious looking bird with a wing span of about two centimeters." Fortunately, Mr. Talented Personality survived the in

Extraterestrial Beings are furious at the City of Erie after it was announced this morning that they will not rename Presque Isle to honor the legendary E.T. According to information from the Erie E. Coli, several bids to change the name were dismissed without any consideration of how close it resembles the hand of the former Erie native. An image can be seen below to help guide readers who suck at this kind of thing... Presque Isle without labels on left. With labels on righ

A Millcreek resident with ancestry dating back thousands of years is facing backlash for trying to be involved in its local community. According to sources from the Erie Werewolf Times, Ms. Kai O.T. is facing criticism online for her attempt to stand in someone's yard and exist as a form of decor. The outburst began at about 8 p.m. Wednesday evening when Miss O.T. was captured on camera standing in a yard near the J.S. Wilson Middle School. The picture was posted online and i

For readers residing outside of Venango County, one of our local restaurants now has a protective barrier featuring a guide rail less than six feet long. We don't really have many issues with cars flying into that restaurant, but it seems the city felt the need to place a barrier there anyways. To add to the confusion, those driving on Benjamin's side still get to keep two lanes. However, the one on the far left must turn left now. Images depicting the before and after effect

The decline of participating students at Penn West Clarion has created a fear among locals about the future of their historic university. Since the pandemic of 2020, enrollment has dropped to half of what was originally the annual average attendance. Now, experts are predicting economic hardship stemming from the industry that justified the presence of their young population. In a press release today, university president, Admitda Feet, encouraged students to remind their fri

A fictional news anchor is being praised by us for an unexpected act of heroism. After observing hostile interactions between two boats, an analyst intervened, saving what could have been countless lives. We say “could have been” because Scallywags technically did not have to limit their visitation to 20 visitors. The event took place around 1:30 p.m., Sunday afternoon, just off the pier of the Bicentennial Tower. The Scallywags tour vessel was unexpectedly attacked by a mini

Cranberry's only mall cop states that he may consider retirement after last week's humiliating altercation with a squirrel. During an interview with The Venango Republic's official stone mason, George Washington, Jamal Fart stated that he is growing tired of the crime world after 40 years of service. "The younger generation just doesn't know how to respect law enforcement anymore," Fart told Washington, just before blowing another one. "I try to get through to these kids that

An official community report states that an unspecified number of chickens were set loose near a CVS located in Millcreek. The location of the CVS is vague, with only reference to a Sterrettania right below a CVS.... Whatever the Hell that means.... Huh... The more you know.... The report was made via a Millcreek community page on Facebook. Several locals were quick to respond with their sympathies for the KFC primary ingredient. Unfortunately, only one felt it was appropriat

A parking meter malfunction has drastically impacted Venango County and its capital of Oil City, with a temporary police order preventing people from using the space. According to sources, the meter, located just outside of the Venango County Museum on Seneca Street, has disappeared completely, with what experts are saying is an intentional removal for maintenance. The sign became visible to the public at about 3 p.m. Thursday afternoon. Shortly thereafter, the Oil City stock