Fart Considers Retirement After Failure to Catch Squirrel

Cranberry's only mall cop states that he may consider retirement after last week's humiliating altercation with a squirrel. During an interview with The Venango Republic's official stone mason, George Washington, Jamal Fart stated that he is growing tired of the crime world after 40 years of service.

"The younger generation just doesn't know how to respect law enforcement anymore," Fart told Washington, just before blowing another one. "I try to get through to these kids that abiding lawfully is the only way to live in harmony. Unfortunately, the school banned me when I drew my taser on the bully."

Fart doesn't own a taser. He just happened to blow up the entire school during his visit that day.

The aftermath of Farts school day. Picture taken five miles away

Washington managed to escape the interview in good health. Given that his face is made of granite, he was unable to smell anything. Further investigations show no correlation between Fart and the Cranberry mall vacancies. As for Fart's potential retirement, he says it depends on if he can catch the squirrel in a reasonable time.

George Washington interviews a constipated Fart, which AI made caucasian this time.... He was Hispanic last week...

"If I am unable to catch the squirrel in the next two weeks, I may consider stepping down," Fart told Washington. "It's a difficult decision knowing that the next generation of mall cops won't have my experience."

There likely won't be a next generation of mall cops. Nonetheless, we let him live in his delusion.

Fart was saddened by the reality this could be it for his career. After a 45 minute interview of useless conversation about his boring tenure, Fart got on his dolly, put it in drive, and rode off straight into the floor.

What the heck?!?!?!

The Venango Republic would like to apologize for our AI generators poor timing on ethnic alterations. We want to emphasize that the black Fart was never meant to hit the floor. Only the white one. This racially insensitive content will not be tolerated and those responsible will be punished severely.

We will now move on to other news as we resolve the former matters. Here is our Weatherman, Indiana Jones....