We here at the Venango Republic are complete idiots doing our best to report the most accurate nonsensical information possible. With that said, we sometimes come across posts with obvious implications we intentionally get wrong for stupidity's sake. We promise not to do that here. We may have a track record of breaking them. But you can be sure that we will not let that happen this time. A woman posted to a Mercer community page about a gunner on the loose. Instead of taking

Jammal Fart, Cranberry's only mall cop, has come forward to confess his role in the loud boom. This came one week after the incident which shook Franklin, and almost collapsed Oil City's Northside properties. The Derrick reported the incident as an unresolved investigation last Saturday. As of today, Fart has turned himself into the police revealing that he was the one who caused the loud boom. Jammal Fart coming clean Before we continue, we can explain the unusual change in

The industrial city of Millcreek is on high alert after a vague Facebook post has warned of a child riding a motor bike. According to the information, the child is "not a safe driver let alone a legal one." Given the vague context and multiple ways that sentence can be interpreted, we have no choice but to assume worst case scenario and report that the child is a menace. Fictional experts are warning residents to stay off the road even if they drive a heavier vehicle. Young E

The ice boom responsible for the river flooding all across Western Pennsylvania has been set free from prison after a technicality on his existential being. According to sources, the ice boom known as Bob is not living, suggesting that he cannot serve a life sentence as ordered by the Honourable Judge Beagle last Friday. Consequently, Bob is allowed to get off scot-free due to the legal system not accounting for lifeless objects such as himself. The accused was originally arr

Cranberry's only mall cop states that he may consider retirement after last week's humiliating altercation with a squirrel. During an interview with The Venango Republic's official stone mason, George Washington, Jamal Fart stated that he is growing tired of the crime world after 40 years of service. "The younger generation just doesn't know how to respect law enforcement anymore," Fart told Washington, just before blowing another one. "I try to get through to these kids that

An official community report states that an unspecified number of chickens were set loose near a CVS located in Millcreek. The location of the CVS is vague, with only reference to a Sterrettania right below a CVS.... Whatever the Hell that means.... Huh... The more you know.... The report was made via a Millcreek community page on Facebook. Several locals were quick to respond with their sympathies for the KFC primary ingredient. Unfortunately, only one felt it was appropriat

A local ice boom is set to appear in court after months of pending charges for abandoning his post. The inanimate object known to Venango residents as Bob has pending charges for his decision to leave his comrades and go floating down the river. Experts are suggesting that Bob's negligence led to ice breakage that impacted all connecting waterways between Western Pennsylvania's most northern point and regions south of Pittsburgh. Bob denies the allegations to the events last

An Aliquippa officer is in remission after reacting to a Smarties exposure. According to reports from the Beaver County district herbivore crime specialist, the officer collapsed in a patrol van, requiring 2 gallons of water to slow his heart rate. There are questions pertaining to whether the officer handled the Smarties properly. Currently, the Beaver County district herbivore crime specialist states no crime is apparent, mainly because Smarties are legal. The officer told

An unexpected shoplifter has successfully evaded Cranberry's only mall cop. According to sources, Jamal Fart, a 40-year veteran for the Cranberry Mall Law Enforcement Agency, was unsuccessful in apprehending a squirrel that made off with a shoelace from Maurice's. The event took place around 10:37 a.m. Wednesday morning. Fart was just beginning his shift when he heard screaming coming from the mall's last hope. Despite taking his Segway out of park, Fart was unable to make th