Bob's Life Sentence Withdrawn on Inanimate Technicality
The ice boom responsible for the river flooding all across Western Pennsylvania has been set free from prison after a technicality on his existential being.
According to sources, the ice boom known as Bob is not living, suggesting that he cannot serve a life sentence as ordered by the Honourable Judge Beagle last Friday. Consequently, Bob is allowed to get off scot-free due to the legal system not accounting for lifeless objects such as himself.
The accused was originally arrested in February after it was discovered that he had abandoned his post north of Oil City in the Allegheny River. Bob is an ice boom, meaning that his primary purpose of existence is to prevent ice from flowing down the Allegheny River, where it could potentially build up and cause flooding in vulnerable places.
Days after the ice breakage that impacted all of Western Pennsylvania, Bob was discovered on an embankment at the edge of Route 8 where he was sleeping lifelessly. Authorities took Bob into custody, where he has waited several months for the hearing that took place last Friday.
Bob spent the entire weekend in the Venango States federal prison before the warden noted that he is not a living object. Consequently, his life sentence could not even begin. He was set free immediately.
“I was very fortunate, given the risk that I took,” Bob expressed to the media in a non-verbal manner. “I knew that by floating away, I could face major consequences. Fortunately for me, it paid off and I can now fulfill my dream of being a couch cushion.”
The Honourable Judge Beagle hoped to observe the evidence from both opposing sides, but found himself unable to respect the defense when Attorney Jake Horking Kake showed up as an Oscar Mayer Wieners promotion.
Judge Beagle had no alternative but to give a verdict. Unfortunately, he chose a life sentence instead of an eternal one. With the choice of words pertaining to non-inanimate forms, Bob is now free to float.
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