The city of Oil City is facing off against a local property owner after several months of dispute over code violations. According to reports by Explore What's Left, the property owner, who we will refer to as Middleplain Adamantium, was booked into the Venango County Jail after failing to pay several fines for his crumbling building. The issue has sparked much controversy with several supporters of Adamantium stating that he just wanted his building to fit in. City officials

It is the ethical responsibility of every social media user to drag a person’s name through the dirt, whether rumors are true or completely made up. Such is the case for a sports analyst who may or may not be a prick. We don't know because we haven't heard of her before. But we are still going to believe some meme with no resource presented from a Facebook page that looks sketchy. Jemele Hill is a sports writer that really is as famous as the amount of people who have heard o

Snowplow drivers in Erie report financial strains which have reduced them to three blizzards daily. According to surveys conducted by the administration of Get Drained Quick Schemes, drivers say they have no more money to pay for food. “We've been sitting on the streets daily, pedaling for cash between snowfalls,” states Mr. Sea Tea Eee, who oddly keeps slamming his head on his plow. “Our trucks guzzle more gas than we can afford. I've taken out 17 loans just so I can keep th

A Shippenville pastor is under fire after a poorly timed autocorrect changed his post to a perverse statement. According to sources, Pastor Dunce Pool of the Give Us Clean Hands Church in the Shippenville strip mall tried sharing a Bible verse with a completely different implication. “I genuinely was trying to say that He can turn *** into *****,” states Pastor Pool, who was inconveniently autocorrected again in our article. The international autocorrect system has been seein

Declined attendance in local churches has pastors taking desperate measures to win their communities back. After failed bungee jumps installed on their steeples resulted in unwanted trips to the afterlife, congregation leaders are now considering a complete rebrand to compete with one of the region’s top industries. “We were going to consider switching to drugs,” states Pastor Pedistol of the Foxburgh Community Hypocrisy. “We just realized that a sanctuary is holy and that dr

The Tionesta branch of Alcoholics Anonymous is requesting new recruits after their last member announced he is sober. According to sources, Derek, who yesterday referred to himself as an alcoholic, announced that he no longer craves drunkenness. The news shocked the town, which has a population of about three people. The other two citizens also moved on from AA last year after a lifelong dedication to moonshine. “I tried to stick it out as long as I could,” says Derek, who st

Rouseville residents woke up to a suspicious noise earlier today. According to sources, a loud, obnoxious quake resonated throughout the town, leaving locals completely stunned. Upon investigating the constant ruckus, it was discovered that there are two possible sources. Unfortunately, the sounds of both possibilities are so similar that experts are struggling to determine which one is to blame. Construction workers at the edge of town have been at work all week, trying to h

Cranberry Mall is excited to announce the opening of a new store. As of this morning, a new retailer has opened up with the branding of stupid craft items nobody wants. “We wanted to bring in a major brand name like Barnes & Noble, Bonton, and Build-A-Bear,” states the mall executives. “Unfortunately, nobody shops here, making it impossible for us to justify bringing in stores too good for the county. Not to mention, everyone is too poor to shop at those stores anyway.” With

Two out-of-state tourists stopped by a Clarion bar Tuesday night hoping to experience some leisure. According to sources, the brothers were driving from Harrisburg to Tuscarawas, Ohio, (wherever the hell that is) and came across the University Inn. Because the college town of Clarion likes to confuse their visitors, the brothers were quickly hit with the realization that all the bedrooms at the University Inn are actually apartments. Not wanting to stay for an entire month, t

In a bold operation, the Venango County Military has successfully carried out their mission to capture the mayor of Slippery Rock. This came after several leads cited Slippery Rock as the source of academic trafficking. In a press briefing today, Vice Mayor Clumsy informed the public that several diplomas were being earned and trafficked into the county through a process called “higher education.” “At least 3 people have driven to Slippery Rock daily for the last 8 years,” st

It was an interesting way to approach the podium. Jim Waltz, governor of Rockland Township, danced to the tune of a 16th-century composition while holding a partner in an elegant gown close to him. When Waltz came to the podium, his centuries-old tuxedo caught the attention of the press, wanting to hear his explanation for the recent salami daycare scandal. “There is no salami scandal,” states Waltz, who insists that his family only eats kielbasa and hot dogs. The crowd was d

Dozens of factory workers from beneath the Veterans Street Bridge are ready to bring in the new year. Though exhausted due to short staffing, the CEOs of the Oil City Drug Ring issued a public statement today wishing their workers a happy new year, promising that 2026 will be much more profitable. The staff shortage began in early October after several workers failed to pass state regulated drug tests. With the staffing cut to less than half, current employees were forced to

The 22 residents of Oil City were in for a big surprise this evening after a display that they have not seen for more than a decade. According to sources, a firework display shot off at the south side of town early this evening without any explanation. The city has not seen fireworks ever since the town wasted their budget on the Center Street Bridge Lights in 2017. Consequently, residents have resorted to yearly burning candles with what little they have left. “This display

Weather conditions have left the roads dangerously slippery. According to news outlets, the pavement outside can no longer be trusted to sustain vehicles trying to floor it at 85 per hour. To help keep drivers safe, State Police have issued a statement with recommendations on how to stay safe on the roads. The first area of concern for drivers is that everyone makes sure to have their own flame thrower on the front end of their car. This is not necessarily to melt any snow, b

It's been a great year for satire. Between local absurdities, creative characters, and ridiculous fiction, we've managed to surpass our own expectations with roughly 450 articles since March 9th. We started off brutal with jokes at the region's expense, transitioned to articles promoting our favorite gems of the county, created fun characters to represent this universe, and got blocked from several groups that can't take a joke. Regardless of public perception, we stuck to wh

George Washington, who works for the Venango Republic as the official stonemason, was forced to vacate Woods and River Coffee earlier this morning due to his obsession with cinnamon-flavored scones. According to reports by the staff members, Washington was slumped over in his chair, partially depressed, and exhibiting characteristics from people who commonly have a sugar high. The incident took place around 7:15 this morning, shortly after the coffee shop opened. Washington h

We’ve all been caught up in conversations surrounding individuals featured on ExploreClarion’s website. This may involve someone landing themselves in jail, angering the community with a dumb statement, or accidentally causing a fender bender. Yes, this has happened on ExploreClarion’s website.... In a region like Clarion County, where a smaller population causes one’s poor decisions to stick with them forever, being featured on ExploreClarion’s website does a beautiful job o

The $88,000 spectacle, purposed to draw tourists to a city whose houses are falling into the river, has successfully drawn the first spectator since they were implemented in 2017. Unfortunately, the man has reportedly left dumber than when he first arrived. Unreliable sources state that a Pittsburgh native took an IQ test prior to arriving, in which he scored the highest possible rating. However, after leaving Oil City, he took the exact same IQ test and was discovered to hav

In need of self-defense training? Stop no further than any dojo that tells you, “we teach a rare martial art form.” Why is it rare? Probably because nobody uses it. But let’s just ignore that detail and pay them to teach us anyway. In a generation where effective martial arts can be determined by what is used commonly in the UFC, you can still have the luxury of learning random crap from an instructor who has never been knocked out in his life. Why entrust yourself to some gu

A former General McLane employee is facing potential charges and a potential jail sentence because she was unable to form her own sentence. According to sources, a woman who we will refer to as Iteach Butdontspeak decided it was okay to take money from the teachers’ Sunshine Fund without verbalizing what we can only assume to be a personal need. This may be due the massive strain caused by phrases like "can I have some money?" The school will not be shut down as a result of t