Controversy in Allegheny: Proposed Free Child Labor to Offset 18-Week Parental Leave

A heated debate in Allegheny County has business owners arguing against the proposal of an 18-week paid leave for pregnant mothers. Now, a counterproposal is building more tension among the locals with the suggestion of free child labor to offset the paid time off.

We here at the Venango Republic recognize the level of backlash satire like this could bring upon our respectable organization. Consequently, we have decided to use an alternative meaning for the phrase "child labor" so that no one is offended by the implication of newly born infants working long hours in a factory.

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"Labor pains are a natural part of giving birth to children," states Claybon Donothing, owner of the Worstchester Outing in Pittsburgh. "The best part is that it is free and can act as a great payoff for making businesses struggle."

Donothing believes that women who allow certain practices without a trojan could certainly use the paid leave. However, he also believes that anyone who puts on that much weight effortlessly in a 9-month period should have some hardship if they want to lose it instantaneously.

After removing ourselves from that uncomfortable conversation, the Venango Republic investigated the studies of experts weighing the benefits of increased labor pains for employees of businesses paying for parental leave. One survey found that 70% of business owners were on board with the idea of intensifying labor pains, but only for lawmakers who support the 18-week paid leave.

As for the lawmakers, a separate study found that they aren't fooling anyone by faking their stupidity. Several business owners reported that they can tell the political leaders know the economic and social impact of forcing businesses to pay five months of leave. Regardless, they still pretend they can't anticipate businesses refusing to hire women to reduce the risk.

Lawmakers are also pretending to be too stupid to see businesses inevitably leaving the region. An additional study from Use Your Head University found that political leaders seem to think that politicizing generosity will make people more generous. Despite generosity being a personal trait, the lawmakers supporting 18 weeks of paid leave seem to think that businesses are bound to stay and risk a staff getting pregnant.

"No businesses will ever close down even if 75% of their staff must take an 18-week leave," states Complete Moron of Pittsburgh. "At the very least, they probably will offer four times what we are pushing to make a requirement."

When citing regions around the world where social laws drove businesses away, Mr. Moron began making ringing noises with his mouth before telling us, "I have to take this. Sorry!"

Obviously the tension is high for business owners and mothers who endure the hardship of working while pregnant. Regardless, the true enemies are the politicians who feel like the consequence should fall on the citizens with no control over life's circumstances. Mothers can use the leave with some income, but businesses ethically should not be forced to pay for bedtime fun they could not prevent. Of course, if Allegheny could figure out their budget issues, then maybe they could be the ones offering some kind of provision if they really cared. Just a thought.