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Salvation has finally arrived for Venango County from members of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. West Crawford has successfully sent five troops across 322 and have finally reached Franklin, Pennsylvania, to help Venango County push East Crawford back to their own region. Meanwhile, to the east of Venango, Clarion County troops are still unaccounted for. The troops who left their city around 9 a.m. yesterday got lost and haven't been seen since. Venango is unsure what this could mean to the fate of Venango County, who currently must figure out how to push back two of East Crawford's military men. Since yesterday afternoon, East Crawford troops have pushed their way into Oil City and are now on Seneca Street, just outside of Billy's. Residents in the town are slowly making their way to the south side, abandoning their homes and businesses. Little Timmy, who is the youngest member of the Venango County military, managed to get off school just in time to slow East Crawford's progression through the town. When fighting East Crawford's troops, he was accidentally hit by a spitball in the arm and received immediate medical aid to prevent him from catching COVID. Mayor Blunders has tried to send word to the two Venango County military men who are still protecting the border on Route 8. Sources say that they are still unaware that the two Crawford troops surpassed them while they were sleeping. If they are unaware, chances are they are still protecting the border, waiting for the East Crawford military to face them. As for the West Crawford military, sources say that they estimate arrival in Oil City by late afternoon, although they say that their soldiers are capable of arriving sooner. Several of the soldiers are exhausted from carrying giant bags of Meow Mix and Puppy Chow. The current strain that their weaponry has taken on them will require a tiny time frame for them to rest. Meanwhile, East Crawford troops are continuing to push their way into Oil City in what has become the most dangerous time of the city's existence. Venango County Secret Service agents are preparing to evacuate Mayor Blunders should the East Crawford troops breach the center of Oil City's town square.

The inconsistencies for each game in the 2026 season were “not the team’s fault,” according to Coach Numbskull. For this reason, he made it his goal to get the Oil Spills to the Superbowl at all costs. The team started a GoFundMe page but were quickly disappointed to learn that nobody contributed a cent. With the coffee can containing the city treasury still missing, and the residents unable to remember what currency looks like, the Oil Spills had no choice but to pick a direction and start walking. Uncertain as to whether they would make the game in time, the team had no choice but to start moving. No one on the team knows how to read a compass. All they do know is that no one on the team knows how to read a compass. The team gave it their best, making it farther than anyone from Oil City ever imagined. Making it past the border of Ohio, into the land known as Ohio, the team now has no idea where they are. Sunday passed, and the Venango Republic found the entire squad curled up under a bridge off the interstate. Coach Numbskull, who thought the journey would last a couple of hours, was surprised to learn the Superbowl was over. Before the Venango Republic could inform the coach that the Seahawks are the victors of the 2026 championship, Coach Numbskull shouted with excitement, “WE WON BY DEFAULT!” The team followed suit and began cheering in ignorance. Our reporters thought about telling them the truth but thought it would be better for our platform just to report the idiocy. At the very least, they are happy, and we get to ridicule their dumb mental state. Mayor Blunders, as well as the rest of the residents of Oil City, chanted with excitement after learning that the Oil Spills declared themselves Superbowl champions. Consequently, the town held their own parade with the only party materials they could afford from 1996. With no Vince Lombardi Trophy in sight, Mayor Blunders substituted the prize with a plastic Solo cup with the words “Supper Bull Champeons” on the front. The team is currently partying with the most expensive prize the town has seen ever since Margaret’s pies won last place in a carnival that could only afford to give last-place prizes.

With nothing to defend the city of Oil City, the East Crawford military conducted an operation in sabotaging the Seneca Street Bridge on the north side of town. The attack was a success, as five snowballs left the bridge inoperable and too dangerous to drive across, as the frozen substance made the surface slippery. The attack took place at 12:13 today, with the snowball bombshells dropping on the bridge with excessive force. Citizens living nearby the bridge heard the ruckus and immediately rushed to the center of town in complete panic. With the only military member attending school at the time, Oil City was left defenseless, with no one to push back against the rival of Venango County. Nine-year-old Timmy was at recess during the attack, but was not permitted by his teacher to leave the ground to assist in defending the Seneca Street Bridge. Consequently, the bridge has been deemed a complete loss, at least until the snow melts. Mayor Blunders of Oil City, who is the self-declared president of Venango County, issued an order for all citizens of Oil City to prepare themselves for an evacuation up Seneca Hill, with the entire north side of Seneca Street completely evacuated. Citizens are barricading themselves closer and closer to Veterans Bridge for what looks like an abandonment of the town they call home. Meanwhile, troops from Meadville are still making their way to Venango County to help fight against the onslaught brought on by East Crawford. West Crawford troops were last heard from at a gas station outside of Conneauten, where witnesses say they stopped for ice cream. As for the Claring County military, their whereabouts are completely unknown. Sources say they left their city at 10 a.m. this morning, but accidentally made a wrong turn at Chippenville. They have not been seen since accidentally entering a dead zone in Venus. The fear is genuine. The times are critical for the town people have worked so hard to revive. Now it seems Crawford will have their way and completely destroy all hopes of Oil City recovering from the welfare state it currently exists in. Good riddance.

Venango County is under attack, with nothing standing between East Crawford troops and the capital of Oil City. Mayor Blunders is requesting aid from surrounding counties after East Crawford troops easily surpassed the Venango County border defenses, who apparently were asleep during the invasion. Witnesses say that at about 7:30 this morning, East Crawford military men could be seen tiptoeing across the border prior to stealing the roller skates that Venango County’s military parked just off of the road. With only two military men at the border, the third member of the Venango County military is of no help to Oil City. Little Timmy, who is a private in the Venango County military, is only nine years old and will be in school until 3 p.m. Mayor Blunders of Oil City has sent notices out to each member of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, requesting aid before the arrival of East Crawford. Mayor Intellect of Clarian states that he is prepared to send as many troops as necessary to help defend Oil City against the onslaught of East Crawford troops. The Clarian County military consists of militia with state-of-the-art textbooks that they are known to use during combat. Meanwhile, toward the west, Mayor Dogfood of Meadville states that West Crawford County will gladly assist in sending men to help defend against the attack of Northwestern PA’s second superpower. Meadville military is set to deploy five military men armed with dog treats courtesy of Smucker’s factory. The president of West Forest County and mayor of the metropolis of Tionesta states that he only has two troops to spare and cannot risk sacrificing his defenses to come to the aid of Oil City. Nonetheless, he plans to send his troops to the border of Forest County on the other side of Pleasantville in case an onslaught is to come that direction. Tionesta, which is known for absolutely nothing but fishing, will arm its military members with bobs and fishing poles that they will use to string up any military men attempting to cross their borders. Mercer County finds this conflict ridiculous and will not join in the fight. Jefferson County has also received word of the attack. Unfortunately, they are known for absolutely nothing, and therefore have absolutely nothing to offer. They will just stand to the side, pretending that they are contributing to the cause, so that they feel like they are worthy of a participation trophy. PLATO is now engaged in the conflict of Northwestern Pennsylvania. A county war is about to escalate to proportions never before seen this side of the state. The Venango Republic will keep you up to date on all nonsensical consequences about to formulate in the course of the coming days. Take shelter, be on guard, as county war one begins to transpire.

Venango County has received further support from another ally, as the mayor of Clarion Township signed a bill to send 2,000 textbooks from Clarion University to help aid in the war with East Crawford. According to sources, Mayor Intellect of Clarion learned of the recent invasion when one troop stepped across the border of Venango, claiming a square foot of land. It took two days of negotiating with Congress in Clarion County, but Mayor Intellect was able to push through an order that would send Clarion’s greatest resource to the aid of Venango County. With Venango County recently receiving Meow Mix and dog treats from Meadville’s Smucker’s factory, the war efforts have consisted of supply demands being met for the defense of the border on Route 8. Soldiers got to work yesterday stacking the Meow Mix to build a wall that stretched 10 feet high. All leftover Meow Mix they intend on using as rations for the cold winter months. As for the textbooks being sent by Clarion, soldiers state that they can use them to reinforce the wall as well, while also taking time to read in between battles to strengthen their intellectual abilities. One soldier who has been stuck in the second grade for the last 20 years says that he hopes with these textbooks he can earn his master’s by next month. With the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, PLATO, sitting on the edge of their seats, it is only a matter of time before we can determine whether or not war will escalate, with surrounding counties intervening on behalf of Venango. Until then, supplies will continue to be offered from every county as they can afford them. As we all know, they can’t afford very much, because this is Western Pennsylvania.

An Oil City man stood in a Center Street square last night to perform his own Super Bowl halftime show to rival Bad Bunny's performance. According to sources, Mr. Jethro Bodine grabbed his guitar after seeing what he considered a horrific, unwholesome performance during the NFL final competition. "I just knew in that moment that I had to give America an alternative option to the Super Bowl halftime show," states Mr. BoDean. "That's when I grabbed my guitar and ran down to City Square, where no one was present." Mr. Bodine does not have any ratings yet from national television to determine how many million of people watched his performance. All he knows is that he put everything he could into advertising in the ten minutes he had to prepare. "I decided to go by the name of Old Metalhead," states Mr. Bodine. "Then, when I got to Center Square, I started to perform country." For the three people walking by to get to the gas station up the road, they said it was the best Super Bowl halftime show that they had ever seen. Of course, they were just lying. Less than halfway through his performance, Mr. Bodeen also had to explain to the police that he wasn't insane for standing in the Center Street square with a guitar late at night. "I had to explain to the police that I wasn't insane for standing out in the road with my guitar singing late at night," states Mr. Bodine. "When people ask, I tell them that the police lights are just a part of the spectacle." When asked if he would do this again, Mr. Bodine states that it all depends on whether the NFL gets his message that the show needs to be more wholesome, like his performance. As much as he hates taking ratings away from the NFL, Bodine states that what he did was necessary to remind families of what is important on television.

The message was heard clearly over the radio just as the announcer was promoting local events. "Ice is on the ground" the announcer stated over the airwaves. The attendees of the annual Franklin on Ice event stood in shock as they heard the report of what was taking place. One moment, the announcer was promoting their event. The next moment, they learned that their safety was in jeopardy. “I couldn’t tell if they were talking about border security agents, or if the announcer was saying 'ISIS on American soil.'” states Mrs. Earbleed. “All I know is our Franklin on Ice event is not safe with such cold people at large.” With the Venango County military trying to secure the northern border during the war with East Crawford, Franklin residents are in fear that they must fend for themselves. The mayor of Franklin has issued an order for all attendees to stack up each ice sculpture as fortifications for whatever attack may be coming. “This is the scariest situation I’ve encountered in office,” states the mayor of Franklin, who doesn’t quite know what to do. “I don’t quite know what to do!” Word has gone out to the northern border of Vennango County for soldiers to come to the defense of Franklin. Experts estimate that it could take the military men roughly six days, since they are incredibly lazy. Until then, Franklin on Ice participants are encouraged to continue the festivities after barricading themselves in the fountain. Franklin on Ice will continue through the weekend, with visitors encouraged to keep interactions within 2 feet of the spicket. All exhibits will be moved inside the fountain for people to participate safely as Franklin waits for the Venango County military. A map is shown below of various attractions one can attend inside the fountain residing in Fountain Park.

“It was humiliating,” states Henry Hartfield of Cranberry Township. “I genuinely wanted to be scammed.” Hartfield’s goal was to have his bank account cleared so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support. Unfortunately, Hartfield was scammed in a good way when the car extended warranty wound up being a genuine offer. Now, the biggest struggle for Hartfield is figuring out how to cancel his warranty. Countless calls to customer service result in endless menus that refuse to put him through to a representative. When he asks to cancel his service, the machine can’t understand him and automatically hangs up. When he asks to speak to a real person, the machine doesn’t understand him and automatically hangs up. Hartfield is stuck with a warranty he never wanted. “This was a tragic mistake that has ruined my life forever,” states Hartfield. “I was hoping to have all my money taken away, and now I will have all my money taken away.” With no resolution in sight, Hartfield is forced to continue spending his millions on financial commitments he wants no part in. Meanwhile, others in his neighborhood are wondering whether or not they should try to do the car warranty scam. “I genuinely need an extended car warranty,” states Gerald Ford. “My Model T is about to break down, and the warranty expired more than a hundred years ago.” The authorities caution people against trying what Mr. Hartfield did. Several believe that it is worth the risk if it worked out for Hartfield. With innumerable scams that will clearly result in dozens of victims having their accounts cleared, one thing is for sure: that one-in-a-million jackpot will motivate people to try something that they absolutely should not do.

Typically, a question beginning with the phrase "if you had the power" suggests that people don’t really have the power. Nonetheless, instead of offering perspective on where locals do have power to make a change, Explore Venango decided to ask people what they would do if living in the past could make a difference. A picture was posted to Explore Nothing’s Facebook page early Thursday morning with the caption, “Let’s play mall tycoon.” The post then asked visitors what store they would bring back if they "had the power" to do so. Several individuals engaged this post and even hit the like button. Those who hit the laugh emoji seemed to have a right perspective on reality. We understand that Explore Nothing thought they were creating a silver lining in a dark reality. The mall looks depressing, and they thought that encouraging people to live in the past would somehow invoke a bit of encouragement. In reality, they’re becoming just like the Venango County trolls we are. Think about it. What better way to troll the decline than to remind people they have no power to turn things around? You might as well just start your own satirical news website and mock the region you’re currently living in. That’s what The Venango Republic did. I mean, we could have settled for less than interesting news, like Explore Venango, but we wanted something that would actually be entertaining. The way to bring people back to the region is not by living in the past. We’ve been doing it for years, and it hasn’t worked. Nobody is coming to Venango County when we say, “we used to be great.” Instead, you have to come up with something unique that has never been tried before. No, we are not talking about those stupid bridge lights! What would really draw people to the region is if we did something as ridiculous as Mount Rushmore. Pasting 4 white presidents on Native American territory was a genius way for South Dakota to draw people to the middle of nowhere. Our recommendation? Someone needs to purchase the largest hill they can find and build a 10-story monument of a middle finger pointed at Oil City. This obviously would draw tourists from all over the world. You can revive your community while acknowledging its decline. What makes this different from Explore Venango is that it acknowleges the decline without acting like we're living in denial.

A local pastor is under fire after encouraging congregation members to seek help somewhere else. According to witnesses from the First Church of Highminded Pricks, Pastor Jonathan Wicklebarel turned people away in a message about his lack of real-life experience. According to Wicklebarel, he was raised in a home with “no exposure to real-life dangers.” At the age of 49, he says he still doesn’t know what a naked woman looks like, and only has children thanks to the stork that brings them when his wife places the order. “Last week, some sketchy guy asked me if I wanted coke,” states Pastor Wicklebarel. “I realized then and there that if I have never had soda, how can I relate to people who have fallen to temptations like watching SpongeBob?” Wicklebarel does not consider his entire life a waste. With 11 children of his own, he believes his lack of real-world exposure has served him well in raising his kids. “The Lord has blessed me with every order my wife placed to the stork,” Wicklebarel expressed. “The only mistake was when we accidentally received a baby with Jamaican DNA. We aren’t racist, though, and did not call the stork to take him back.” Wicklebarel intends to keep pastoring his church but is adamant about avoiding topics of discomfort. To him, those subjects should be reserved for sinners who have “crossed the line” and not people pure of heart. “It is awkward to use the terminology,” says Wicklebarel. “We skip scriptures that talk about sex, adultery, drunkenness, gossip, slander, stealing, and lying. We even choose not to read Song of Solomon because we hear it is not rated ‘P’ for ‘Purity.’” With Pastor Wicklebarel now coming to realize he is incredibly sheltered, he intends on continuing to lead his church. Nonetheless, he encourages others who have stepped outside of his experience of purity to find a church that can relate. “It’s not that we think we are better,” says Wicklebarel. “We just don’t have the experience to deal with lowlife scum. That job needs to go to churches with pastors who have been lowlife scum. I on the other hand, was castrated at the age of 4. I have nothing to offer people who are beneath me.” The Church of Highminded Pricks will continue meeting every Sunday from 8 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. A list of sins will be posted on the front door, letting potential visitors know whether they qualify to enter or not. Those with relation can meet in the sewer down the street established by the Church of Highminded Pricks.

The 2026 Shippenville Granny Awards featured some of the towns most prominant figures. With local celbrities numbering by the one's, attendees stood in awe as their favorite role models made a rare public appearance. Many of these figures are only ever seen twice a week at church events making this festivity a once in a yeartime experience. Here is what you missed at the 2026 Granny Awards in Shippenville. Fashion Designs Fashion designs dazzled the crowd of 20 participants with figures like Jezebel Pureheart wearing that nasty nightgown she never washes. Drusilla Cameltoe also brought a much more modern vibe with her 90s style bagy pants. Finally, the queenpen of the Amish Mafia Grandmother community came to the red carpet and shunned the attraction by walking behind the cameras. Witnesses say she was wearing white knit stockings to cover up her hairy legs. Political Statements Other celebrities took the stage during the award show to voice political perspectives nobody gives a crap about. Upon recieving her award for her rotten apple pies, Willy Eyelash expressed her disaproval of the recent snowstorm putting ice on the roads. Eyelash must have been drinking prior to the event. The crowd was especially confused when she said "no one is an eagle on stolen land." Regardless, everyone clapped to make her feel important. Eyelash left the stage, but not before whipping the audience countless times when she blinked... Her eyelashes really need a trim.... Jelly Donut also expressed his opinions about his religious views. His choice of words divided the audience with non-Christians angered and Christians praising him for voicing his views. On the flip side, some guy after him grave credit to Alah causing the Christians to get mad while the non-Christians praised the Muslim. Even the Athiests seemed happy. Finally, a Jew took the stage, praised his creator, and was booed off the stage by everyone. Technical Difficulties Alex from Warren was invited to sing her local hit "Abordinary." While singing, someone accidentally set the metronome to be on beat. Alex from Warren was thrown off by the perfectly synced music being that she wrote every instrument to play abnormal to each other. Instead of singing an aweful tune like she intended, it temporarily sounded angelic until someone finally crushed the metronome. Unexpected Twists The unexpected twist of the evening was when Sabrina's carpenter won her award. Once again this year, the name of the woman we all try to ignore made it into the box of nominees. Sabrina, who much of the town pretends doesn't exist, rigged the nominations to include her. When it came time to give the award, the announcers opened the envelope, saw her name, and decided to give the award to her carpenter, Hank Stud, instead. Conclusion As the night came to a close, attendees left Shippenville with mixed feelings of confusion, offense, and the question as to why they came at all. Plans are already underway for next year’s Granny Awards. Until then, locals will return to pretending they care about hometown trends acting like "big things" take place in a small isolated town.

The recent invasion of Venango County by East Crawford County troops has the United Counties discussing what role each should play in the conflict. Yesterday, war broke out between East Crawford and Venango County when one of Titusville’s troops stepped over the border, laying claim to a square foot of land. The matter was resolved quickly when the two military men were called back to Titusville by their wives for a pre-scheduled dinner date. Mayor Blunders, however, fears that they will be back in full force. Venango is planning to retaliate with top-secret plans that even the press is not allowed to know. “We are going to spit on their bridge,” Mayor Blunders blurted out during his press briefing.... So much for that secret... In response to the incident, Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford, states that he intends to aid Venango County with extra pet treats. He is currently trying to convince the Smucker factory to send a thousand pounds. Mayor Blunders says he intends to accept the generous gift if the Smucker factory can deliver. According to Blunders, the gift will be valuable in creating a giant barrier to keep East Crawford troops out. Anything extra can be used as rations. As for the other county's, reports state that much discussion is taking place between them. Should the conflict escalate to spitballs fired, the Pensylvania Land Treaty Organization (PLATO), will be forced to join the conflict. For now, the matter remains with discussions on political sanctions.