Mayor Steelhead's campaign to steal West Pittsburg from Lawrence County ended in a withdrawal from the region. This came after Allegheny troops noted the impossible task of moving an entire town, along with its infrastructure, back to a separate region. The technicality was first realized after the Knights of New Castle found their firework weapons useless against the steel skeletal structures of Allegheny soldiers, whose faces are literally steel beams. The Allegheny military realized there was no need to fight the Knights of New Castle and began attempting to drag the town back to Allegheny County. It didn't take long for them to realize there's no possible way to do that. One of the first clues to the impossible nature of dragging an entire town to a county several miles away was the lack of ropes available to pull the region behind them. Additionally, Allegheny troops noted that the township looked way too heavy for such an endeavor to be brought to completion. Mayor Steelhead states that he has not given up on his endeavor to gain West Pittsburg back from Lawrence County. Despite experts insisting that the difference in terrain is evidence that West Pittsburg was never part of Allegheny's Pittsburgh, Mayor Steelhead says that he still believes that Lawrence County stole his city's west side. So far, the casualties of the war are zero. It also seems that by the end of the war, the casualties will also be zero, unless an Allegheny soldier musters up the will to smack an enemy soldier in the head with one of their steel beams.

He has chosen to remain anonymous. Nonetheless, the video he posted of himself going head to head with a Flock camera proves that the might of one individual can overcome the adversity of technological tyranny. A man, who we will refer to as Actual Intelligence, had the genius idea to fight fire with fire. On a Friday morning, he thought to himself, “If a Flock cameras' primary form of oppression is filming people, why not film them in return?” Though short on time, he got into his vehicle and drove an hour and a half to face a Flock demon. According to the man in the video, he was afraid for his life, noting that he had never seen a Flock camera before as a Venango County resident. The closest he had ever been to such a device was observing one of those gimmick cameras a person buys from Aldi's when they're trying to trick intruders into thinking they're being monitored. Fortunately, he had the wit to know what a lens typically looks like and was able to deduce the Flock camera's persona. Moments after pulling into the parking lot at the mall in Kearsarge, a Flock camera swooped down, threatening to carry him away. We have chosen not to show the footage due to the violent nature of the moment in discussion. The heroics of the Venango County resident proved to be valiant. He took out his camera and pointed it in the direction of the Flock demon. The Flock camera continued to swarm down at him, leaving a blood trail behind. Fortunately for our hero, it could not get past the barrier of the camera's projection and did everything possible to avoid being captured on a digital image. The sight was both gruesome and beautiful. Almost as if the Lord of the Rings fight between Sam and that spider had come to life. You know, the one where Sam holds up that glass object that lights up when it's around an evil thing. This was pretty much the exact same dilemma, only with technology. Eventually, our hero was able to overcome the Flock demon. He slayed it in the middle of the Millcreek Mall parking lot. Despite five broken ribs and a half-decapitated head, our hero managed to defeat the oppressor of the Erie natives. Unfortunately, other cameras picked up the signal, swarming in shortly thereafter. Our hero is dead now, and requests that his statue not be built until the rest of the Flock cameras are also destroyed. Then we can celebrate his heroic moment that sparked a movement against the Flock cameras. “I don't mind the fact that I died fighting the Flock camera,” states our hero from the now-viral video. “I just hope that other people are able to have the same level of courage that I humbly had when I drove an hour and a half to fight this digital monster.” Our dead hero believes that defeating the Flock cameras will require a movement larger than our world has seen before. Either way, he says that he knows that achieving this objective is possible and will be accomplished because everyone has a camera on their phone capable of filming Flock cameras if the user has the courage to wield it. A funeral for our hero is being held at the fictional Museum for Actual Intelligence. Tickets are selling for a hundred thousand apiece. Seating capacity is the entire population of the world. The goal is to sell out the building. Proceeds go to help the victim who died at the hands of a Flock camera.

Researchers from the University of Venango have discovered the benefit of having a roof over one's house as it relates to preventing rain from pouring in. A case study consisting of more than 20 structures found that those with shingles covering a wooden overhang helped reduce the likelihood of flooding within the home by 100%. This, of course, applies specifically to roofs that have been perfectly sealed. The houses with no roof whatsoever seemed to have the highest susceptibility to water damage on the interior of the home. This was especially true whenever it rained. Houses with only partial roof coverings had the same amount of damage, as the rain pouring from the sky seemed to always discover an entry point. Despite attempts to stagger the wooden beams in order to randomize the width of each opening, water still managed to bypass the barriers intended to keep the inside dry. The research is ongoing. A scientist tried to determine if a roof can have any openings in the rain without the risk of exposing the inside to the elements above. In the meantime, researchers have determined that it's best for homeowners to keep a waterproof seal above their heads for the best results.

Mayor Blunders of Oil City has learned through informants of Warren's decision to reroute the Lockrock Pipeline to their local sewage. This came after Warren warned Blunders to stop siphoning their oil through the 50 miles of straws Blunders ordered to be constructed. The Lockrock Pipeline was intended to resurrect the oil industry through a genius initiative gone wrong. Although Blunders was able to successfully purchase enough straws to reach Warren, he did not have the funds to run them underground. Consequently, Mayor Fossilfuel of Warren has discovered the pipeline and has directed it to his local sewage system. Google maps says Warren's treatment plant is town center.... We won't argue with them.... Somehow Blunders has caught on to the knowledge of the pipeline being redirected to an alternative location. In response, he has rerouted his end to the lower levels of City Hall, which is the City Outhouse. According to Mayor Blunders, he intends on pumping his sewage through the straws into Warren's supply until they agree to place the pipeline back at its original location. Blunders announces plans to pump sewage from the Outhouse Mayor Fossilfuel has not responded to Blunders' demands. When asked about the matter, he simply stared at reporters with no expression as if to suggest confusion over why someone would pump sewage into another town's plant. Fossilfuel stands expressionless Blunders' retaliation might accomplish nothing. For Warren, this is still a victory, as they continue manufacturing their oil without the fear of a neighboring community trying to steal it from them.

It is the first war in history that has not resulted in a single casualty. Three counties are currently facing a noncombative stalemate due to the impenetrable nature of various soldiers, as well as the fear of other more vulnerable soldiers getting hurt in the conflict. Washington County has successfully reached their objective of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. After months of demands for Allegheny to surrender the natural monument, Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, has sent his army of George Washington soldiers to take the location by force. Now they are trying to figure out how to drag it back to Washington County. Washington troops assess mountain in oncoming traffic Meanwhile, in the nation of Lawrence County, a similar objective is at hand for the Allegheny military, who are attempting to take back West Pittsburg from the neighboring superpower. Although Sir Lawrence of Newcastle states that West Pittsburg was never a part of the big Pittsburgh in Allegheny County, Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh is going forward with his plan to take the community and drag it back to Allegheny's capital. Allegheny soldiers assess West Pittsburg in nonexistent traffic Early Wednesday morning, skirmishes broke out between the Knights of Newcastle and soldiers serving the Allegheny military. Experts say that this is one of the first times an army wielding iron objects met a military made completely of steel beams. This, of course, is with the exception of when Washington County met the Allegheny military two weeks ago, when they discovered their bayonets were useless against the Allegheny soldiers. The knights serving under Lawrence County seem to be struggling in the battle for West Pittsburgh, as they foolishly decided to arm themselves with fireworks rather than traditional swords. With Newcastle being the self-proclaimed firework capital of the world, the armies serving Lawrence County are finding that the rockets being launched towards Allegheny soldiers do not have enough firepower to harm the enemy due to their steel skeletal structures. Meanwhile, in the Battle of Mount Washington, Allegheny soldiers are pleading with Washington troops to stop their advancement. This is not to suggest that the Allegheny soldiers are being overrun, only that after discovering their steel beams are incapable of shooting projectiles, they realize they have nothing to fire at the enemy to discourage them from progressing to Mount Washington. This forces them to resort to verbal requests for the enemy to stop and turn back to where they came from. Allegheny combats Washington with requests to stop Washington County soldiers have refused to listen to the plea for them to retreat back to their homeland. Now they have successfully reached their objective of Mount Washington. Unfortunately, they are finding it completely impossible to move the natural terrain back to their home county. Pittsburgh would try to prevent them from moving it. But as we explained before, there's really no sense, since the troops are finding no success in moving it.

An Oil City resident is under fire after admitting his involvement in the destruction of the northern steeple of St. Stephens Church. According to unreliable sources, the man responsible was attempting to hang a banner with 93 theses on it before causing the top portion to implode. His excavator has been confiscated along with monk status. "I just had a bunch of ideas to share." States the man who has been identified as Marty McLuthy. "I wasn't trying to destroy the steeple. Just show off my ability to print a thousand words..." Unfortunately, the steeple is not salvageable because of the careless act performed against the majestic structure. Priests say they would try to reconstruct the steeple to its former holiness, except that Home Depot doesn't sell the same giant stone blocks anymore. Consequently, they are forced to tear the whole building down. As for Mr. McLuthy, a movement against giant crumbling steeples seems to be forming because of his act. Just this weekend, 4 steeples were torn down throughout Venango County, including the chimney on somebody's house. The homeowner didn't complain because he has electric. Marty McLuthy is expected to stand before the priests of St. Stephens soon to determine if the destruction of the steeple warrants a new denomination. Additionally, they want to know what his 93 theses is all about since he ran off with it after the steeple was destroyed. McLuthy has a history of reckless behavior. Last year, he tried proving his worth by climbing the front steps of St. Stephens. That wasn't the reckless part. After making it to the top in a record ten seconds, he accidentally tripped a priest who fell down the stairs. The recent act resulting in the destroyed steeple may be the last straw for McLuthy's role as a monk. The upcoming trial will determine if he has a place in the congregation. If he manages to still have a place among the Catholics, the next question is if they will at least grant him the title of janitor.

The Venango County Supreme Court has temporarily lifted the ban on Mayor Blunders' east wing ballroom to City Hall, Venango's capital building. This came moments ago after Blunders insisted to the court that the project will be funded by private donors. The Outhouse, which was constructed last year after Blunders burned down the original, has seen massive upgrades in the last year. The implementation of an observatory on the roof, fire escape on the upper level, and a bidet toilet seat to douse flames in a fire emergency have stretched the county's budget to its limits. Now, Blunders' attempt at an east wing ballroom has many concerned that the upgrades are too expensive. Blunders insisting that the construction is from private donors has yet to be proven. Nonetheless, the courts have approved the procedure for reasons they cannot explain. The donors of the project have not been identified as of yet. With the new Outhouse being made from floorboards donated by residents on the north side, experts speculate that Blunders is expecting another community effort to be put forth. The question remains, however, if the northside houses can stand another donation. In the meantime, the current ballroom, much like the southern border wall to keep Butler citizens out of our county, only consists of one board purchased with a loan Oil City received from Franklin.

The week-long campaign to destroy the Millcreek Mall is coming to an end after several waves have failed to leave any damage. President Mayor Blunders of Oil City hoped to strengthen relations with Erie by helping to disempower Millcreek. Unfortunately, hundreds of muffins launched at the Mall Gun failed to bring any destruction. Now, Venango County has an even greater struggle facing them. One that is far more pressing than their relationship with Erie. The southern border of Venango County remains open with no patrol to keep Butler citizens from crossing into Venango County. Southern Border Wall President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America has called on the military to help resolve the issue since the county has no funds for a border patrol. Laurel and Hardy have already been to several counties this year and even the nation of Uganda. Now, they are coming home. Laurel and Hardy make the journey to Venango In the nation of Butler County, Mayor Servanthood of the City of Butler states that his citizens have no interest in crossing into Venango County, making Blunders' allegations absurd. In a press briefing this morning, Mayor Servanthood told the press that if Blunders insists that Butler citizens are trying to leave his county by way of Venango, he is happy to tell them to go around. Mayor Servanthood calls out blunders with his military experts Mayor Blunders of Oil City recognized the comment as a direct insult, even though he didn't fully understand what it meant. Blunders says that if it's war that Mayor Servanthood wants, war he will receive. Servanthood said nothing about war, but that's what Blunders heard anyway. Mayor Servanthood of Butler says that he is not interested in direct conflict, noting that he has been good to Venango County citizens crossing over his border as a means of seeking opportunity. Servanthood states that he has never complained about Venango citizens crossing into his territory to reach Allegheny County. However, if Blunders continues accusing him of allowing Butler citizens to cross into Venango, he may send a patrol to Oil City to hit Blunders with a wet towel. The last comment by Mayor Servanthood of Butler has officially escalated tensions between the neighboring counties. Consequently, Blunders has recalled Laurel and Hardy from the front lines of Millcreek to the southern border of Venango County. Although both troops are tired of being moved around, they are on their way back to Venango, grumbling as they come.

A humble Erie resident has gained citywide fame after a mishap that took place last Saturday. A man who from now on will forever be known as Beefcake prevented a disastrous situation when he pulled an intoxicated man away from the stage at the Voodoo Bar and Grill on State Street. Overnight, the man became an Erie legend due to his muscular upper torso and fearless, heroic demeanor. After our article hit the internet, the man who we refer to as Beefcake texted our CEO to say that his life is changed forever. He will never be able to go back to his original name, Jeff. Our founder and CEO, Blobbert Blobfish, was able to score an exclusive interview with the said Beefcake, who from now on has been entrusted to protect Erie's bars from all intoxicated drunks trying to score a date with the singer. “There is a part of me that knows that dragging him out with my right arm was the ethical way to handle the situation,” states the Beefcake. “Had I used both arms, I could have crushed him to death, or at the very least disabled him for life.” The giant Beefcake, who saved the Voodoo Bar from its opposing intoxicated drunk, says that he can't catch a break, as everyone wants his autograph, specially signed as Beefcake. “Even my wife of nobility keeps asking me to crush walnuts between my antecubital fossa,” the Beefcake explains. “I know she's just trying to get me to flex my muscles.” For medical advice, please consult a professional. At this point, Blobbert Blobfish signaled summer intern Bigfoot to bring in a surprise guest for the Beefcake. “You are a donkey pit,” the Beefcake told our CEO, only with terminology far more inappropriate than the phrase “donkey pit.” The drunk, who rushed the stage, entered the room, approaching the Beefcake with a confused yet highly intoxicated stare. “You didn't know about this?” Natural Intoxication asked the Beefcake. “He said that everything was cool.” “This is what he does,” the Beefcake told Natural Intoxication as he rolled his eyes at our CEO, Blobbert Blobfish. “Let's get it over with.” “I thought it would be a good surprise,” Blobbert told the Beefcake. Natural Intoxication sat awkwardly next to his foe with a dumbfounded look. The Beefcake refused to take his eyes off his enemy, flexing his muscles as a warning of his superior physique. “I came here specifically to talk about the aftermath of the situation,” the Beefcake expressed to Blobbert Blobfish. “Did you ever think that the fact that I never told that story, that, you know, maybe you shouldn't?” At this moment, Blobbert Blobfish stood up from his chair and walked toward the exit, confessing to the group, “I thought it would be fun. Enjoy working out your differences.” Meanwhile, to help lighten the mood, Bigfoot stayed behind to play a gentle, heartwarming number on his bagpipes. It's been ten hours, and neither individual has said a word. Our winter intern, Ye Ti, has been monitoring the door to the studio and says that the intoxicated man has rushed Bigfoot six times before being dragged back to his seat by the Beefcake. We will keep you informed as their relationship develops.

The mayor of Warren issued a statement this morning, sending a clear message to Mayor Blunders of Oil City. At 9 a.m., Fossilfuel told the press that if Mayor Blunders does not disassemble his LockRock pipeline, he will sabotage it with toilet water. The LockRock pipeline was an initiative to revive the oil industry by siphoning Warren's oil. It has failed dramatically. Venango County is only able to afford drinking straws. Additionally, the pipeline requires more than 50 miles of connection between the two cities. Blunders' failure to have the so-called pipeline run underground has given the straws an obvious exposure, noticeable to the authorities in the city of Warren. Fossilfuel finds Blunders pipeline outside Warren's refinery Consequently, Mayor Fossilfuel says he will perform a different kind of warfare than what was seen months ago when he launched a diaper at Oil City. This time, he is threatening to reroute the pipeline into the local sewage system. Blunders does not have funds for the machinery necessary to siphon the oil. Consequently, he is forced to use his own mouth. Although he denies his efforts to steal Warren's oil, Blunder's lies have been revealed by the grease constantly on his face. Blunders with grease facial hair If Blunders is unable to find a solution to the pipeline being visible above ground, there is a good chance we may also see sewage on his upper lip in the next week. Such a result would cause intercountial backlash never before seen. Fortunately, Venango County is not much of a threat to the city that has managed to keep their oil industry.

Erie's most famous outdoor happy hour experience is now facing the risk of losing a chunk of their demographic. According to reports by the Erie Eardrum, an entrepreneur is planning to open up an outdoor catering experience with a unique twist Oliver's has not adopted. The woman responsible for opening the monstrosity is one Karen Suckit, of 865 Prick Street. Karen states that she has wanted to offer an experience to Erie that would give Oliver's a run for its money. Now, several Erie residents with a British accent state that they will no longer be purchasing their beverages from Oliver's since Miss Suckit has opened Olivia's Tea Garden. Picture of actual location in the Fictional Universe “We are quite relieved that someone in this unsophisticated territory has come to recognize the excellence of a traditional cup of tea next to a plate of crumpets,” states Sir Wilmore of Buckingham. “My lads and I will be dining at Olivia's Tea Garden and will only consider Oliver's if they change its name to Oliver's Outdoor Beer Pub.” Despite the potential loss of the British demographic, it seems that Oliver's Beer Garden is determined to keep their branding. Experts say that much of this is due to their pride in winning the War of 1812. For context, learn your history “They rub that phrase in our faces,” states Sir Wilmore of Buckingham. “Everywhere in that beer garden, even on their merchandise. You can't go a single second without being haunted by the phrase, ‘Don't Give Up the Ship.’” Olivia's Tea Garden may be just what the doctor ordered for British descendants still impacted by the war. At the very least, the customer base will have the thrill of seeing their cheeseburgers served on an English muffin. Another benefit to Olivia's Tea Garden is the entertainment aspect. Oliver's has been known to feature bands with modernized styles. When you take the name literally, the guitar player reached the age of 11 first On the other hand, Olivia's Tea Garden offers a more traditional and uncorrupted sound. The elegance is unparalleled. British people have manners and don't compete for silly numerical values If you are still sore over the war of 1812, perhaps Olivia's is the right choice for you. All attendees must be sophisticated. All coffee drinkers will be barred for life.

The stalemate at Baldwin Borough is now evolving to favor the Washington County military, despite the superiority of Allegheny soldiers and their steel skeletal structures. Washington troops have decided to progress towards Pittsburgh after noting that the enemy does not want to harm them. According to reports from the Pittsburgh Pothole Gazzet, Allegheny soldiers are unwilling to strike their foe after finding out the enemy's iron bullets and bayonets are too weak to penetrate their steel skin. Despite the enemy having intent to kill, Allegheny has decided it isn't fair to hit Washington troops over the head with their steel beams. Washington County is now taking advantage of this technicality by choosing to march toward Pittsburgh and their objective of Mount Washington. Meanwhile, the soldiers sent by Mayor Steelhead to defend the territories of Allegheny County are putting forth their best effort to beg Washington troops to return home. So far, it isn't working. If Washington County soldiers are able to successfully reach Pittsburgh and their objective of Mount Washington, Allegheny soldiers will be tasked with finding a way to prevent Mount Washington from being removed. Additionally, Washington troops will be tasked with the objective of figuring out how to remove it. Meanwhile, in the western county of Lawerance, a similar battle continues for the industrial city of West Pittsburg. Allegheny Troops are moving northward and are expected to make their move any day now as the knights of Newcastle prepare to defend their territory. The war between the county's of the south is escalating. As the war continues, residents are told to stay inside for dramatic effect. We will continue to inform you of events as we think of them.