Pastor Stuns Congregation: "I Don't Know What You're Going Through, So Try Another Place"

A local pastor is under fire after encouraging congregation members to seek help somewhere else. According to witnesses from the First Church of Highminded Pricks, Pastor Jonathan Wicklebarel turned people away in a message about his lack of real-life experience.

According to Wicklebarel, he was raised in a home with “no exposure to real-life dangers.” At the age of 49, he says he still doesn’t know what a naked woman looks like, and only has children thanks to the stork that brings them when his wife places the order.

“Last week, some sketchy guy asked me if I wanted coke,” states Pastor Wicklebarel. “I realized then and there that if I have never had soda, how can I relate to people who have fallen to temptations like watching SpongeBob?”

Wicklebarel does not consider his entire life a waste. With 11 children of his own, he believes his lack of real-world exposure has served him well in raising his kids.

“The Lord has blessed me with every order my wife placed to the stork,” Wicklebarel expressed. “The only mistake was when we accidentally received a baby with Jamaican DNA. We aren’t racist, though, and did not call the stork to take him back.”

Wicklebarel intends to keep pastoring his church but is adamant about avoiding topics of discomfort. To him, those subjects should be reserved for sinners who have “crossed the line” and not people pure of heart.

“It is awkward to use the terminology,” says Wicklebarel. “We skip scriptures that talk about sex, adultery, drunkenness, gossip, slander, stealing, and lying. We even choose not to read Song of Solomon because we hear it is not rated ‘P’ for ‘Purity.’”

With Pastor Wicklebarel now coming to realize he is incredibly sheltered, he intends on continuing to lead his church. Nonetheless, he encourages others who have stepped outside of his experience of purity to find a church that can relate.

“It’s not that we think we are better,” says Wicklebarel. “We just don’t have the experience to deal with lowlife scum. That job needs to go to churches with pastors who have been lowlife scum. I on the other hand, was castrated at the age of 4. I have nothing to offer people who are beneath me.”

The Church of Highminded Pricks will continue meeting every Sunday from 8 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. A list of sins will be posted on the front door, letting potential visitors know whether they qualify to enter or not. Those with relation can meet in the sewer down the street established by the Church of Highminded Pricks.