Breaking: East Crawford Troops Sneak by Venango County Defenses

Venango County is under attack, with nothing standing between East Crawford troops and the capital of Oil City. Mayor Blunders is requesting aid from surrounding counties after East Crawford troops easily surpassed the Venango County border defenses, who apparently were asleep during the invasion.

Witnesses say that at about 7:30 this morning, East Crawford military men could be seen tiptoeing across the border prior to stealing the roller skates that Venango County’s military parked just off of the road. With only two military men at the border, the third member of the Venango County military is of no help to Oil City. Little Timmy, who is a private in the Venango County military, is only nine years old and will be in school until 3 p.m. Mayor Blunders of Oil City has sent notices out to each member of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, requesting aid before the arrival of East Crawford.

Mayor Intellect of Clarian states that he is prepared to send as many troops as necessary to help defend Oil City against the onslaught of East Crawford troops. The Clarian County military consists of militia with state-of-the-art textbooks that they are known to use during combat.

Meanwhile, toward the west, Mayor Dogfood of Meadville states that West Crawford County will gladly assist in sending men to help defend against the attack of Northwestern PA’s second superpower. Meadville military is set to deploy five military men armed with dog treats courtesy of Smucker’s factory.

The president of West Forest County and mayor of the metropolis of Tionesta states that he only has two troops to spare and cannot risk sacrificing his defenses to come to the aid of Oil City. Nonetheless, he plans to send his troops to the border of Forest County on the other side of Pleasantville in case an onslaught is to come that direction. Tionesta, which is known for absolutely nothing but fishing, will arm its military members with bobs and fishing poles that they will use to string up any military men attempting to cross their borders.

Mercer County finds this conflict ridiculous and will not join in the fight.

Jefferson County has also received word of the attack. Unfortunately, they are known for absolutely nothing, and therefore have absolutely nothing to offer. They will just stand to the side, pretending that they are contributing to the cause, so that they feel like they are worthy of a participation trophy.

PLATO is now engaged in the conflict of Northwestern Pennsylvania. A county war is about to escalate to proportions never before seen this side of the state. The Venango Republic will keep you up to date on all nonsensical consequences about to formulate in the course of the coming days. Take shelter, be on guard, as county war one begins to transpire.