What You Missed at the 2026 Granny Awards

The 2026 Shippenville Granny Awards featured some of the towns most prominant figures. With local celbrities numbering by the one's, attendees stood in awe as their favorite role models made a rare public appearance. Many of these figures are only ever seen twice a week at church events making this festivity a once in a yeartime experience. Here is what you missed at the 2026 Granny Awards in Shippenville.

Fashion Designs

Fashion designs dazzled the crowd of 20 participants with figures like Jezebel Pureheart wearing that nasty nightgown she never washes. Drusilla Cameltoe also brought a much more modern vibe with her 90s style bagy pants. Finally, the queenpen of the Amish Mafia Grandmother community came to the red carpet and shunned the attraction by walking behind the cameras. Witnesses say she was wearing white knit stockings to cover up her hairy legs.

Political Statements

Other celebrities took the stage during the award show to voice political perspectives nobody gives a crap about. Upon recieving her award for her rotten apple pies, Willy Eyelash expressed her disaproval of the recent snowstorm putting ice on the roads. Eyelash must have been drinking prior to the event. The crowd was especially confused when she said "no one is an eagle on stolen land." Regardless, everyone clapped to make her feel important. Eyelash left the stage, but not before whipping the audience countless times when she blinked... Her eyelashes really need a trim....

Jelly Donut also expressed his opinions about his religious views. His choice of words divided the audience with non-Christians angered and Christians praising him for voicing his views. On the flip side, some guy after him grave credit to Alah causing the Christians to get mad while the non-Christians praised the Muslim. Even the Athiests seemed happy. Finally, a Jew took the stage, praised his creator, and was booed off the stage by everyone.

Technical Difficulties

Alex from Warren was invited to sing her local hit "Abordinary." While singing, someone accidentally set the metronome to be on beat. Alex from Warren was thrown off by the perfectly synced music being that she wrote every instrument to play abnormal to each other. Instead of singing an aweful tune like she intended, it temporarily sounded angelic until someone finally crushed the metronome.

Unexpected Twists

The unexpected twist of the evening was when Sabrina's carpenter won her award. Once again this year, the name of the woman we all try to ignore made it into the box of nominees. Sabrina, who much of the town pretends doesn't exist, rigged the nominations to include her. When it came time to give the award, the announcers opened the envelope, saw her name, and decided to give the award to her carpenter, Hank Stud, instead.

Conclusion

As the night came to a close, attendees left Shippenville with mixed feelings of confusion, offense, and the question as to why they came at all. Plans are already underway for next year’s Granny Awards. Until then, locals will return to pretending they care about hometown trends acting like "big things" take place in a small isolated town.