Seven New Ventures Coming to Oil City

Jeremy Jetfuel
Jun 2
3 min read

A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone pretending to have optimism. Here are seven projects coming to Oil City.

Bars

The nightlife of Oil City is about to become stabilized by several establishments outnumbering the demand. Although the current distributors are mostly open Wednesday through Saturday from 5 PM to 11 PM, we're going to open more hoping that it draws people who haven't had alcohol before. Residents in the nearest larger cities are likely to take since being stuck in Pittsburgh and Cleveland doesn't require drinking to cope.

Wine and Beer Tasting Establishments

Exaggerated outcome for optimistic motivation

Unlike the first attraction, this one is certain to draw tourists who are willing to drive several hours to drink. Although it is not definite, ignorance suggests that Oil City is the only place to get alcohol in Pennsylvania. It just makes sense to keep opening businesses that overwhelm this category.

Countertop Drink Sitting Places with Alcohol Flavor

We know what you're thinking. We already have these and they are likely to compete. Just listen. The establishments will also serve food.... All of them.... The same kind of food.... Just bear with us!

Each business owner will encourage their customers to support the other business owners who sell the same stuff. This means that if a customer eats an entire burger and fries at one place, they will be encouraged to stop by the other places to eat even though they are probably full. We only need to hope that they push themselves!

Building with Adult Beverages as Primary Feature

This is probably the most unique out of what we have covered so far. But we aren't going to say any more. We don't want to spoil the surprise.

Business with Booze

Not the kind you cheer at a game when your team is failing. The kind you drink when you want alcohol. Basically, every joke we have told so far.

Pre-Alcoholics Anonymous Participant Lifestyle Location

What excites us most about bringing in more bars is the increased demand for Alcoholics Anonymous. More alcohol is perfect for combating the domino effect causing a lack of demand for AA meetings. Technically, there always has been a demand here. But more bars really helps.

Drink Place with Potential Consequence

For local pessimists who whine about the decline, this is perfect for lifting your spirits. Can't afford it? Just be sure not to vocalize the need for industry with positive economic impacts justifying the existence of such establishments. We don't want to offend them "optimists."

Conclusion

We've already passed up the opportunity of honoring our veterans with lights on the nicest bridge in town thanks to some bright idea to honor a local non-profit with the ugliest bridge in town.

We can't keep making mistakes. This is nothing like the craft stores people pretended to want in the Cranberry Mall after Bon-Ton closed. We actually want these bars. We just need to be sure not to think about economic needs to justify their existence. If you pretend something isn't needed, it probably isn't. This logic works and is exactly why Oil City successfully got its own trampoline park.