Cranberry Mall Cop Thwarted for First Time in His Career
An unexpected shoplifter has successfully evaded Cranberry's only mall cop. According to sources, Jamal Fart, a 40-year veteran for the Cranberry Mall Law Enforcement Agency, was unsuccessful in apprehending a squirrel that made off with a shoelace from Maurice's.
The event took place around 10:37 a.m. Wednesday morning. Fart was just beginning his shift when he heard screaming coming from the mall's last hope. Despite taking his Segway out of park, Fart was unable to make the machinery operable. He eventually remembered that his Segway is a dolly and continued responding on foot.
Upon arriving at Maurice's, Fart noted that one of the shoppers was a different species than anything that had ever shopped in the mall before. Additionally, he noted it was the only shopper, period. An attempt was made to reach for his taser before he quickly deduced that he doesn't have one. This gave the squirrel the opportunity needed to run right by Fart undetected.
Fart made his most athletic attempt to dive at the squirrel, but fell roughly 10 feet short of the perpetrator. His long jump would only be recorded at 2 inches.
The shoplifter managed to climb a tarp hanging from the ceiling and made his escape through the tiles above. Authorities state that the robber could theoretically last for weeks above the ceiling with the water supply available to him from the leaking roof. Surrounding the building may be protocol, but will probably cost more than the taxpayer can afford.
A police report has been filed, identifying a suspect roughly one foot long with gray hair covering his entire body. Fart noted that unlike any other shopper he's observed before, this one has a fluffy tail, along with two buck-like teeth.
Anyone with information about the perpetrator has been asked to call Jenny at 867-5309. Any lead to help put this animal behind bars is greatly appreciated.
Comments