Aliquippa Officer Overdoses On Smarties Due to Overexposure

An Aliquippa officer is in remission after reacting to a Smarties exposure. According to reports from the Beaver County district herbivore crime specialist, the officer collapsed in a patrol van, requiring 2 gallons of water to slow his heart rate.

There are questions pertaining to whether the officer handled the Smarties properly. Currently, the Beaver County district herbivore crime specialist states no crime is apparent, mainly because Smarties are legal.

The officer told TVR he has no recollection of being popular in school. He says after graduating middle school, he inherited several conditions like hyperglycemia, which frequently got him beat up in class. The Smarties which put him on the floor panting were retrieved from his 8-year-old son, who also has hyperglycemia. He too gets beat up in class.

"I just wanted to ensure he didn't get a sugar high," the officer told reporters. "Smarties are a dangerous substance when snorted."

The officer has since been cleansed by the station's chaplain.

"When we found out who the officer was, none of us thought this guy has a Smarties problem," Scripture said. "This is a perfect example of how a tiny bit of temptation can impact someone drastically."

The station's chaplain then performed an hour-long service with a message on pure eating habits. At the conclusion, we ate stale bread.

With the officer choosing to remain anonymous, it is difficult to know how to identify him out of all the other officers snorting Smarties. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that they all are beavers native to Aliquippa.