Venango Republic News Anchor Saves Scallywags’ Ship from Brutal Attack

A fictional news anchor is being praised by us for an unexpected act of heroism. After observing hostile interactions between two boats, an analyst intervened, saving what could have been countless lives. We say “could have been” because Scallywags technically did not have to limit their visitation to 20 visitors.

The event took place around 1:30 p.m., Sunday afternoon, just off the pier of the Bicentennial Tower. The Scallywags tour vessel was unexpectedly attacked by a miniature Viper, whose operator evidently had hostile intentions.

Deadweight, the news anchor for the Venango Republic, was out on a stroll when he noticed the suspicious Viper lurking in the waters. The ship’s operator began moving closer and closer to Scallywags’ vessel, suggesting to Deadweight that an act of heroism could be required at any moment.

Deadweight if the fictional universe were reality

That’s when it happened. The Viper came within feet of the larger-sized Scallywags and opened fire.

Scallywags defended itself to the best of its ability, but found that the tiny vessel stayed just out of reach of their inferior cannons.

Deadweight observed this horrendous attack and could not take it any longer. He inflated his life vest, took a deep breath, and dove into the water. We’re still trying to figure out where his anchor landed.

Deadweight falls the wrong direction for comical relief. Vest is metal to keep him in natural habitat.

Meanwhile, the Scallywags superior vessel found a means of escape when the miniature Viper ran out of ammo.

The Venango Republic really wants Deadweight to receive credit for this act of heroism, so we’re going to report that the miniature vessel got scared when he dove into the water. This report is backed by Deadweight himself who still is stuck in the water.

“Glug glug, glug glug,” states Deadweight, who called us on his waterproof phone. “Glug glug, glug glug.”

Deadweight's Live 24-hour news cycle has been replaced by footage of earlier reports. Because there’s no difference between them, we’ve left the LIVE notification at the top left corner of the screen.

As for the Scallywags vessel, they probably don’t owe us any gratitude, given that they’re likely attacked by that miniature Viper on a regular basis. Nonetheless, the Venango Republic is going to act as if their allegiance is now to the Venango Republic. We have assumed full authority over their vessel and demand that they aim their cannons at the Canadian geese who keep stealing the tourists’ food.