Clarion Military Pushed Into Armstrong; Venango Lays Siege to Pittsburgh

The Battle of the Rotary Phone is exhibiting mixed results between progress and a deviation from the preferred goal. While Venango pushes toward the capital of Allegheny to regain their telecommunication devices, Butler's military has successfully pushed the soldiers of Clarion into Armstrong County.

Nine-year-old Timmy has been working hard alongside Laurel and Hardy, the three of which make up the Venango County military. After surpassing Butler's border patrol and pressing into the city of Butler, they now find themselves outside of Allegheny's capital of Pittsburgh, where they hope to cut off the enemy's access to natural resources.

Meanwhile, the soldiers representing Clarion County's military are now being forced south because of the superior weaponry Butler soldiers possess in fine linens. Although Clarion's textbooks are blunt weapons, the soldiers have chosen not to throw them for fear of damaging the bindings.

The superiority of fine linen dipped in water is overwhelming the soldiers of Clarion, who are now retreating to the southern portion of Armstrong County. Should Armstrong County disapprove of their presence, they will be forced even further south into Westmoreland, which will increase the unlikelihood of them returning back to Clarion.

Venango County still has an abundant supply of spitballs and muffin hand grenades. Despite Allegheny soldiers being made entirely of metal, the spitballs are proving effective, as they cause the opposing soldiers' faces to rust instantly. Should they choose to fire upon the city of Pittsburgh, Allegheny must then decide where to find shelter. Thier entire city is made of metal, so there is certain to be casualties.

Currently, Venango is encamped on the north side of Pittsburgh, just south of Cranberry. It is uncertain when they will choose to fire upon the capital. There are no reports as to whether Mayor Steelhead, President of Allegheny County, will be evacuated. All we can confirm is that the rotary phone and pigeon are still in the hands of the enemy soldiers.