President Blunders Performs State of the Union Address for the Venango States of America
Mayor Blunders of Oil City and self-declared president of the Venango States of America performed his first-ever state of the Union address in the McDonald’s in Cranberry Township outside of Seneca. The reason for the relocation is due to the ongoing war with East Crawford on the edge of Oil City. East Crawford invaded the north side of Oil City several weeks ago and has since driven West Crawford up Seneca Hill.
Subjects ranged from foreign policy with neighboring counties to local issues such as the deportation of undocumented Chihuahuas. Mayor Blunders broke the record for the longest speech ever given at a State of the Union address, primarily because this was the first-ever address given to the Venango States of America.
All twenty members of the Venango County House of Representatives attended the meeting, with the Speaker of the House, the mayor’s sister, refusing to stand primarily because she does not like her brother. Every other member of the House stood for every significant point made by Mayor Blunders, even if they disagreed. Mayor Blunders had installed a button in his podium with an activated thumbtack rising from each seat when it was time for them to give him praise.
Mayor Blunders cited the success of his tariffs on surrounding counties in the western Pennsylvania region. According to Blunders, the tariffs imposed on major counties such as Allegheny have been a major part of the Venango States recovery. Although Pittsburgh has failed to pay a single tariff due to the fact that they do not trade with Venango County, Blunders still insisted that Venango County has made billions off the tariffs he imposed last year.
Attempts to steal Warren’s oil were brought to a halt more than a week ago after the county of Warren dropped diapers on the industrial city of Tionesta in Forest County. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders insisted that the halt on constructing the Lockrock Pipeline was only a major setback. According to Mayor Blunders, they had to stop anyway because they could not afford any more straws to build the pipe.
The moon landing, which Mayor Blunders insists took place in December, was a subject of pride for the townships making up the Venango States of America. Mayor Blunders initiated the VASA program last year after Titusville successfully launched a toy rocket off the ground, reaching an altitude of ten feet. Once Titusville announced they had been to space through their TASA program, Mayor Blunders declared that the Venango States were going to shoot for the moon.
Despite criticism suggesting that the moon landing was faked, Mayor Blunders insisted at the State of the Union address that the "blocks of cheese brought back in an Aldi bag by his astronauts were a symbol of the hard effort put forth to reach what once seemed like an unachievable goal."
The secession from the United States of America last year plummeted Venango County into the classification of a tenth-world country. Mayor Blunders spoke briefly about the financial crisis during his State of the Union address, suggesting that if decline was progress, then the Venango state would be the most thriving country in the world. After observing the audience’s failure to stand and applaud, Mayor Blunders asked "how could you not stand for that?" He later realized he had forgotten to push the button ejecting the thumbtacks.
To close out the evening, Mayor Blunders awarded the highest civilian honor to Coach Numbskull of the Oil City Oil Spills. Despite Numbskull’s failure to convince the NFL to accept his team for the 2026 season, Numbskull continued to meet with his team week by week in an open cornfield. With no opposition ever showing up, Numbskull declared that his 0-0-0 record made his team the first undefeated team in the modern era.
While attempting to make it to the Super Bowl, Numbskull’s team became stuck in Ohio underneath a bridge. Upon learning that the Super Bowl had already ended, Numbskull assumed Oil City won the Superbowl by default. Mayor Blunders awarded him the most expensive trophy Venango County could afford for his Super Bowl victory.
Last night’s State of the Union address brought another award for Coach Numbskull: the Venango County Congressional Medal of Freedom, which is actually just a coupon for one free hamburger from McDonald’s.
In an attempt to win the approval of Congress, Mayor Blunders also provided each member with a 20% off McDonald’s coupon. Several members stood up and clapped because he remembered to hit the button this time. The mayor’s sister, who hates his guts, tore her coupon in half while sarcastically clapping in rage.
Last night marked the first-ever State of the Union address for the Venango States of America. The nation is less than a year old and remains the only one unrecognized by the rest of the world. Mayor Blunders stated that he is proud of the achievements and what he describes as the long history of his independent nation.
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