In a far-away mythical land, known to much of the community as Meadville, an unthinkable disaster has placed an entire city under a temporary drought during a winter storm. According to rumors from the few in Venango County who can afford the journey, a water main has broke, causing residents of the wannabe Erie to thirst. Who is to blame? None but Jack Frost himself! "It was like a case of extremely hot weather in the desert causing pipes to melt," states Mayor Dogfood of M

The Oil City man reported to have spilt cocaine on the counter at Sheets has finally spoken to the press about his mishap, according to unreliable sources that we made up. The man had scooped the substance out of Sugar Creek, thinking that the name referred to the common sweetening agent. Sugar Creek is famous for containing a sweet sensation. For generations, locals have stopped by the creek bed to scoop with their hands the sugar that lies beneath the body of water. In the

With the housing crisis in the worst place it has ever been, Oil City officials have announced a new plan to help the homeless find shelter. A new bill signed today by the president of Venango County has officially declared cardboard boxes real estate. The initiation was put into act this morning after Mayor Blunders, the self-declared president of Venango County, stated his concern to help the homeless in Oil City find refuge in the cold temperature months. The new bill allo

The city of Oil City has now officially changed its name to Mashed Potato Heaven after an insurmountable pile of mashed potatoes has been discovered in the Allegheny River. At 5 a.m. this morning, residents woke up to discover the Allegheny filled to the brim with a vegetable delight that often accompanies a turkey dinner. No one knows where the mashed potatoes came from, except that it is ideal for a town that has been seeking a new industry for decades. Earlier this year, a

The Crawford Carnage reports that the Titusville factory specializing in bedspread underwear is officially closing until further notice. This came after several workers were unable to find the front door to their cars. "We were planning to resume production of bedsheets Monday morning," states Mr. Diesel. "No one in the county can find their driveways. Meanwhile, our factory is covered in mounds of snow." Spring Street view of the bedspread factory parking lot With no undersi

The self-declared president of Venango County has declared a state of emergency after observing a map from the National Weather Service. According to sources that we made up, the map scared the commander-in-chief when he thought the orange meant we were catching fire. “Global warming has gone too far!” Mayor Blunders said to the press. “We just finished prepping City Hall for winter, and now we have to fend off flames!” Earlier this year, Mayor Blunders burned down the old C

A woman is in critical condition after suffering from overloaded blood pressure. According to sources, Pam Spraycooker of Acenes Township was rushed to the hospital with blood pressure only before seen in hostage negotiations. The event took place around 3:45 PM after Spraycooker finished scraping the grease off her panhandle. According to sources, Spraycooker was seen falling to the floor, panting in extreme frustration, as her mother-in-law kept commenting on the drapes. Th

The bustling city of Clarion has lost its one and only transit, forcing individuals to buy their own cars. According to reports by Explore Decliningarea, the underground railroad was unable to further sustain commutes across their metropolis because of an increase in local baloney. After months of trying to retain their Italian bred rails men, negotiations fell flat and ties were cut cold. Experts say that the unmaintained footlong rails mayo maynot be to blame. Though they

It’s been almost four years since the coffee can containing the city treasury went missing. The loss of twenty dollars devastated the town, which has struggled to recover since. Today, hope may have been reignited after a strange can at the edge of town was discovered next to the railroad tracks on the south side. “I was just walking next to the river when I noticed this rusted can,” Martin Mugshot told reporters. “It is completely rusted, but may contain the money our city l

A local moron is heavily convinced that the most effective way to convert opposing thinkers is to harshly belittle them. To demonstrate his hostility, he has placed signs at the edge of the road with abrasive assertions that generalize a populace of free thinkers. Viewer discretion is advised.... YOU'RE ALL ADULTS! “I’ll never forget when the Republicans first cussed me out,” states Mr. High and Mighty. “I immediately converted to their side by the way they belittled me for m

Protests in isolated regions around the United States have fallen short of their objective for months, as tiny farming communities like Minneapolis and Los Angeles have not had the population necessary to get through to Washington. Finally, the metropolis of Franklin in Venango County, Pennsylvania, has stepped up with a crowd amassing to 15 people. President Trump announced less than an hour after the protest that he will no longer remain in office for fear of what these pro

The pride and joy of western Pennsylvania's unprecedented beauty 🤮🤮🤮 appears to be sabotaged by what looks like a mass load of mashed potatoes dumped into the river. The substance appeared out of nowhere this morning after a very cold night and has been growing by the hour, as if someone is pumping the mashed potatoes from the base of the river. According to sources, not much is known about the substance at this time, as experts are too afraid to approach for the fear that

Yesterday, residents around the region were shocked to step outside and see a white substance laying on the ground. What initially was thought to simply be a pothole filler soon became Venango's biggest nightmare when it was discovered that East Crawford found a way to weaponize the element. At 8:30 p.m. last night, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville revealed a technology never before seen by anyone around the world, or even to regions stretching as far as Ohio, for that matter. Ma

What PennDOT has struggled to fix for the last three decades, the weather has resolved in a single day. Officials have announced for the first time that every pothole in the county is completely filled in by a white frozen substance that fell from the sky. According to sources, the substance is light, freezing, and solid when compacted thoroughly. Whether the fix is permanent depends on if the northern hemisphere can remain tilted away from the Sun. According to experts, this

It is a historic moment for Beaver and Elk County as both governments have officially agreed to ban hunters from crossing eachothers borders. This came after pressure from Venango County forced both presidents to make a peace treaty with each other. "It has been years of conflict between our regions." Says President Dambuilder of Beaver County. "The war has cost many lives on both sides of the equasion, and it was necessary to create a relationship that will avoid further con

Mercer County is preparing defenses as Mayor Blunders threatens to potentially take Greenville. According to sources, Blunders has made several proposals to buy Greenville from Mercer County but has been turned down due to Oil City's failure to pay off thier loan for the traffic light. "We need those resources." Mayor Blunders said in a press briefing this morning. "We can siphon gas from thier pumps and sell it for an outrageous price." Greenville says that while they are ti

The Clarion Clunkers roster has consisted of amateur talent over the last several years. With no championship in the teams history, the front office has made desperate moves to bring the franchise back to an MLB quality. After signing Nelson Dingbat last year, the pitching quality dropped significantly with every throw consistently dinging the other teams bat. Jethro Badly also struggled to out every baseman last season. Stats reveal that not a single pitch made it into the s

Tension has risen in Venango County, with several grandmothers resisting Venango County Customs' deployment of Glacier. Glacier, who has been the subject of controversy for their enforcement of immigration laws in Venango County, has forced several elderly women to separate from their tiny pooches ever since Mayor Blunders ordered the deportation act in 2025. A total of ten Chihuahuas were taken into custody within 7 days due to thier failure to produce papers. Last week, one

For hundreds of years, white people have failed to take accountability for the offensive hue of their skin. Imagine being a black man trying to enjoy your daily stroll in the hood only to have some bald biker blind you with the sun reflecting off his head. It is time for people to wake up! Fortunately, a generation of young college aged white students have figured out everything the generations before them couldn't get right, and they haven't even graduated with their masters

In the heart of a local metropolis, there sits a man atop the high-rises of Venango's modern-day pit hole. Who is the masked vigilante but one of mystery and a dark past? No, he is not a hero, but one who secretly tries to undermine the infrastructure of Venango County's greatest wonder of Oil City. The scheme is quite clever. Purchase several vacant buildings and do absolutely nothing useful with them. Instead, allow the buildings to go to waste while ignoring citations stac