Allegheny River Slowly Turning Into Mashed Potatoes

The pride and joy of western Pennsylvania's unprecedented beauty 🤮🤮🤮 appears to be sabotaged by what looks like a mass load of mashed potatoes dumped into the river. The substance appeared out of nowhere this morning after a very cold night and has been growing by the hour, as if someone is pumping the mashed potatoes from the base of the river.

According to sources, not much is known about the substance at this time, as experts are too afraid to approach for the fear that they will be sucked in. Authorities are warning locals not to bathe in the river, with the chance that they too may be turned into mashed potatoes by whatever lies underneath the surface.

"This is incredibly frustrating for me." Says Wetsuit Deepdive. "It's tradition for me to immerse myself in below zero temperatures this time of year. Now I have to settle for Aunt Mabels hot tub!"

The mashed potato pandemic is worrisome for several locals who find vegetables to be abrasive. Last week, a vegetable reportedly showed up to the Oil Spills football game in a chair. The vegan substance somehow managed to engineer a seat with wheels on the side to maneuver around with his arms. However, when it came time to sing the national anthem, he refused to get out of his chair.

Locals are enraged by the events that took place at the Oil Spills first playoff game. So much, that they are refusing to warm up to the idea of mashed potatoes being poured into the Allegheny river.

"The national anthem of the Venango States is our proudest identifier ever since the secession!" Says Mr. Briddle Fingers. "The mashed potatoes are obviously a message against our fine nation! And Mr. Wheels is definitely behind it!"

Locals are calling for our political leaders to step in and resolve the matter immediately. With conflicting speculations over where these mashed potatoes came from, one thing is for certain, citizens want answers.