State of Emergency: Radar Color Suggests State Will Catch Fire This Weekend

The self-declared president of Venango County has declared a state of emergency after observing a map from the National Weather Service. According to sources that we made up, the map scared the commander-in-chief when he thought the orange meant we were catching fire.

“Global warming has gone too far!” Mayor Blunders said to the press. “We just finished prepping City Hall for winter, and now we have to fend off flames!”

Earlier this year, Mayor Blunders burned down the old City Hall by lighting a match and catching the defecation from the toilet on fire. Now, he is fearful that the north side donations of loose floorboards will go to waste if the new structure burns to the ground.

“The major upgrades of our proud monument will go to waste,” says the mayor. “We just installed the observatory, fire escape, and sign for the building last summer.”

City Hall insulated for the Winter months...

The fire brigade is standing by for what is predicted to be the hottest winter weekend the region has ever seen. Residents are encouraged to come outdoors and bathe in the river before the fire falls. For extra precaution, the mayor has also banned orange signs to boost morale in this time of uncertainty.