Clarion Underground Transit Inoperable: Permanently Shuts Down

The bustling city of Clarion has lost its one and only transit, forcing individuals to buy their own cars. According to reports by Explore Decliningarea, the underground railroad was unable to further sustain commutes across their metropolis because of an increase in local baloney.

After months of trying to retain their Italian bred rails men, negotiations fell flat and ties were cut cold. Experts say that the unmaintained footlong rails mayo maynot be to blame. Though they oreganoly thought the rails men would enjoy the herban lifestyle, it is now apparent they preferred a different condiment.

“It is sad to see this longtime underground railroad shut down,” says Trails to Rails. “It’s incredibly frustrating. I just know they are going to fill it with water. Then, people will start buying underwater vehicles from Bob’s Subs!”

The populace without vehicles is still trying to determine how they will get across town.

“My work is almost a 5 minute walk across town,” says the vice president of Cheap Tech Inc. “With all the gang violence across this vast city, I don’t want to risk getting mugged.”

Local mugger cought on camera. Still at large!

The loss of the transit is Clarion’s biggest blow since the post office raised their stamp prices. Officials are doing everything possible to get the railroad up and running again. For the time being, city-funded roller skates are the only option available to those without transportation.