Clarion Clunkers Prepare for Offseason Trades

The Clarion Clunkers roster has consisted of amateur talent over the last several years. With no championship in the teams history, the front office has made desperate moves to bring the franchise back to an MLB quality.

After signing Nelson Dingbat last year, the pitching quality dropped significantly with every throw consistently dinging the other teams bat.

Jethro Badly also struggled to out every baseman last season. Stats reveal that not a single pitch made it into the strike zone. This marked the first time every batter facing the same pitcher was concussed with a pitch to the face.

As for the outfielders, the Clunkers management is still looking for players with a lower body. With only one outfielder having half his limbs, the Clunkers struggled when hits failed to land exactly where Armstrong Legless was sitting on the field.

A trade proposal has been made to the Mercer Misfires to acquire veteran shortstop Midget Footshoot. Footshoot still walks with a limp after his accident, but is known to be effective when the ball flies 2 feet above the ground and within his reach.

Another trade proposal to the Butler Butoles would secure a valuable hitter in Itchingmy Rear. Rear is known to only use bats with spikes that he oddly rubs on his pants each play. Although the balls he hits get stuck on his spiked bat, the inconvenience has worked to his advantage as a home run batter. This is especially true when he hits the umpires eye with the bat.

The two trade proposals may not be enough for a championship this year. Several are asking if the Clunkers are this year's sleeper team. We've been unable to ask coach Mechanic due to his coma. What we can ensure readers is that, unlike past seasons, the Clunkers are certain a playoff run is guaranteed. What makes this promise different is that they claim to be telling the truth this year, whereas prior seasons where they claimed to be telling the truth, they now say they were lying.