Minutes ago, Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military successfully executed an operation that ensured the repossession of their lost industrial City of Franklin. According to reports by President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America, special ops armed with spitball launchers and 4th of July poppers were able to eradicate one of the Elk Empire's highest ranking leaders. Blunders is now standing before the press gloating of the success. "Caribou Buckar Wapiti

A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone preten

Jammal Fart, Cranberry's only mall cop, has come forward to confess his role in the loud boom. This came one week after the incident which shook Franklin, and almost collapsed Oil City's Northside properties. The Derrick reported the incident as an unresolved investigation last Saturday. As of today, Fart has turned himself into the police revealing that he was the one who caused the loud boom. Jammal Fart coming clean Before we continue, we can explain the unusual change in

The industrial city of Millcreek is on high alert after a vague Facebook post has warned of a child riding a motor bike. According to the information, the child is "not a safe driver let alone a legal one." Given the vague context and multiple ways that sentence can be interpreted, we have no choice but to assume worst case scenario and report that the child is a menace. Fictional experts are warning residents to stay off the road even if they drive a heavier vehicle. Young E

A campaign has begun to overthrow the Elk Empire through massive operations never before seen. As Venango County troops march toward Franklin heavily armed with spitballs and muffin hand grenades, Jefferson County's military is taking combat beneath the Earth. An elite force known as Tunnel Hogs have been working tirelessly in a top secret campaign to cave in the entirety of Cranberry. This came after Elk County successfully reduced Venango to the size of Oil City. With Mayor

A new controversy has risen, putting the treaty between Washington and Allegheny County at risk. President Mayor George Washington of Washington, capital of Washington County, is being accused by Mayor Steelhead of stealing Mount Washington. On the south side of Pittsburgh, the mountain has officially gone missing. Mayor Steelhead on the left, Mayor George Washington on the right. The sudden absence of the mountain was noticed this morning when residents noted it was not ther

With the recent success of overthrowing the nation of Indiana County, the Elk military have finalized their campaign in branding Western Pennsylvania with the image of their species on the west side of the state. According to information provided by the Allegheny Allergen, the Elk Empire has split Westmoreland County right down the center, dividing it into what will now be known as Westlessland and Eastlessland. Both regions are to be governed under the authority of Mayor Big

The ice boom responsible for the river flooding all across Western Pennsylvania has been set free from prison after a technicality on his existential being. According to sources, the ice boom known as Bob is not living, suggesting that he cannot serve a life sentence as ordered by the Honourable Judge Beagle last Friday. Consequently, Bob is allowed to get off scot-free due to the legal system not accounting for lifeless objects such as himself. The accused was originally arr

Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh announced to the press today that Lawrence County has been struck by a steel beam. This came after an executive order for the Allegheny military to perform operations of retaliation. Last week, Lawrence County struck the heart of Allegheny’s capital with a firework launched tens of miles away. Now, New Castle, capital of Lawrence County, is finding itself on the receiving end of such an attack. “We have shown them the might of our culture,” Steel

President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America issued an executive order early Monday morning to recapture lost land now under control of the Elk Empire. In a press briefing, Blunders stated that the operation was top secret, but that it would consist of one soldier attempting to regain a portion of Route 8 roughly an hour from the time of his speech. When word came to Blunders that the plan had been compromised and that Elk military were on their way to protect Ro

A fictional news anchor is being praised by us for an unexpected act of heroism. After observing hostile interactions between two boats, an analyst intervened, saving what could have been countless lives. We say “could have been” because Scallywags technically did not have to limit their visitation to 20 visitors. The event took place around 1:30 p.m., Sunday afternoon, just off the pier of the Bicentennial Tower. The Scallywags tour vessel was unexpectedly attacked by a mini

On a cold Friday morning, Indiana County soldiers anxiously await an unavoidable conflict promised to strike their northern border. As privates sit and sip their coffee, an unexpected barrage of Nerf darts fire upon their strongholds. Indiana soldiers prior to nerf attacks Indiana County has not seen war ever since 1887, when Jefferson County broke free from the Christmas tree capital of the world, establishing the Groundhog Day Accord. After Jefferson County liberated themse

Cranberry's only mall cop states that he may consider retirement after last week's humiliating altercation with a squirrel. During an interview with The Venango Republic's official stone mason, George Washington, Jamal Fart stated that he is growing tired of the crime world after 40 years of service. "The younger generation just doesn't know how to respect law enforcement anymore," Fart told Washington, just before blowing another one. "I try to get through to these kids that

The sudden fall to the Zugnar Alliance has many disappointed that Erie will no longer be known as an independent county. With fears about Elk County continuing their campaign to rule over all of Western Pennsylvania, many are wondering when County War 1 will finally be over. We here at the Venango Republic prefer to look at the bright side of things. For one, Elk County's decision to entrust East Crawford with rulership over Erie means that Crawford now has more to offer than

An official community report states that an unspecified number of chickens were set loose near a CVS located in Millcreek. The location of the CVS is vague, with only reference to a Sterrettania right below a CVS.... Whatever the Hell that means.... Huh... The more you know.... The report was made via a Millcreek community page on Facebook. Several locals were quick to respond with their sympathies for the KFC primary ingredient. Unfortunately, only one felt it was appropriat

The Elk County military has executed another attack on the most northern county in Western Pennsylvania. Mayor Bighorn of Elk County has been working to expand his empire in an endeavor to brand Western Pennsylvania with the image of an elk. However, the buck does not stop with the branding. What Northwestern PA is becoming.... Mayor Bighorn has taken things further by promising his allies of East Crawford and Warren that he will crush the militaries of other counties to rewa

The City of Franklin is observing its first, in what experts predict becoming a strain of oral disease. According to sources, the unexpected retirement of a 37-year veteran in dental work is already resulting in the outbreak of dental sickness, with one case reported so far. Oral decay is not uncommon to the Western Pennsylvania region, as many individuals are known to neglect their oral hygiene. What makes this particular case unique is that it may be contagious, with expert

The word "tribune" refers to one who defends the rights of others. There is, of course, irony in Crawford's largest city having a paper called the Meadville Tribune. People have exercised their right to leave that town for years and have faced no oppression preventing such a decision whatsoever. We're not quite sure who the Meadville Tribune thinks they're speaking up for. Perhaps the denial of their city officials, who are trying to sell confidence that their town has the po

A local ice boom is set to appear in court after months of pending charges for abandoning his post. The inanimate object known to Venango residents as Bob has pending charges for his decision to leave his comrades and go floating down the river. Experts are suggesting that Bob's negligence led to ice breakage that impacted all connecting waterways between Western Pennsylvania's most northern point and regions south of Pittsburgh. Bob denies the allegations to the events last

The Elk County military has successfully taken control of West Crawford County by laying siege to their capital of Meadville. Mayor Dogfood of Meadville has officially been captured by enemy forces and is now being forced to play dead. The event took place around 7 p.m. Monday evening, with a mass-scale invasion overwhelming the West Crawford defenses. K-9 Unit special ops tried everything to deter the Elk but eventually found themselves falling prey to Mayor Bighorns' milita