Western Pennsylvania Sees First Case of Tooth Decay After Unexpected Dentist Retirement

The City of Franklin is observing its first, in what experts predict becoming a strain of oral disease. According to sources, the unexpected retirement of a 37-year veteran in dental work is already resulting in the outbreak of dental sickness, with one case reported so far.

Oral decay is not uncommon to the Western Pennsylvania region, as many individuals are known to neglect their oral hygiene. What makes this particular case unique is that it may be contagious, with experts predicting its origins coming from bats who love cocoa beans.

The only hope that seems to be acting in favor of Western Pennsylvania residents is the consistency of people already losing their natural dentures. Last year, a study from Venango Campus found that approximately 93% of Western Pennsylvania residents no longer have the means to chew their food due to other strains of tooth decay ruining their chompers. Consequently, it makes much more sense why people refer to this region as PencilTucky.

Despite the cases being low, experts still predict the possibility of the issue spreading if people are not encouraged to maintain a six-foot distance from sugar-dependent foods. Additionally, dental hygienists from around the world are recommending that everyone wear a mask just in case a strand of hard candy flies toward an individual's mouth. Residents are also being encouraged not to touch their faces in case melted chocolate manages to get on one's hands. To help combat the spread, hygienists recommend brushing your teeth for at least 20 seconds, or as long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday twice.

For best practice, we recommend singing along as we type out the lyrics to Happy Birthday. We will also sing along in order that we know for sure whether or not we have it memorized. Here we go, all together now.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, you dumb little twit singing to yourself as you read this on your phone, happy birthday to you.

And again, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, you dumb little twit singing to yourself as you read this on your phone. Happy birthday to you.

For the record, we did not actually sing this while we typed it. We merely hoped that you would sing it, in order that you feel silly after realizing that you did it on your own.

It is still uncertain as to whether or not the outbreak will spread beyond its first case. Nonetheless, in the nature of overdramatizing a minor crisis to paint a worldwide problem that isn't actually happening, experts and media outlets alike have decided to declare this a worldwide pandemic, whose primary disease has been named Cavid-26. For those of you who are slow, Cavid is a shortened version of the word cavity. Now you get the joke.