The city of Oil City is facing off against a local property owner after several months of dispute over code violations. According to reports by Explore What's Left, the property owner, who we will refer to as Middleplain Adamantium, was booked into the Venango County Jail after failing to pay several fines for his crumbling building. The issue has sparked much controversy with several supporters of Adamantium stating that he just wanted his building to fit in. City officials

It is the ethical responsibility of every social media user to drag a person’s name through the dirt, whether rumors are true or completely made up. Such is the case for a sports analyst who may or may not be a prick. We don't know because we haven't heard of her before. But we are still going to believe some meme with no resource presented from a Facebook page that looks sketchy. Jemele Hill is a sports writer that really is as famous as the amount of people who have heard o

The world is preparing for the scariest moment it has faced since that virus with a 99 percent survival rate killed a bunch of people. Reports state that without context, President Trump will do things the “hard way” if Denmark refuses the easy way. Whatever the hell that means. Meanwhile, the world reacts to the king of vague statements, implying that he intends an invasion. I mean… he technically did not say that himself. It could be he means it, but the phrase “hard way” c

Snowplow drivers in Erie report financial strains which have reduced them to three blizzards daily. According to surveys conducted by the administration of Get Drained Quick Schemes, drivers say they have no more money to pay for food. “We've been sitting on the streets daily, pedaling for cash between snowfalls,” states Mr. Sea Tea Eee, who oddly keeps slamming his head on his plow. “Our trucks guzzle more gas than we can afford. I've taken out 17 loans just so I can keep th

A Shippenville pastor is under fire after a poorly timed autocorrect changed his post to a perverse statement. According to sources, Pastor Dunce Pool of the Give Us Clean Hands Church in the Shippenville strip mall tried sharing a Bible verse with a completely different implication. “I genuinely was trying to say that He can turn *** into *****,” states Pastor Pool, who was inconveniently autocorrected again in our article. The international autocorrect system has been seein

Declined attendance in local churches has pastors taking desperate measures to win their communities back. After failed bungee jumps installed on their steeples resulted in unwanted trips to the afterlife, congregation leaders are now considering a complete rebrand to compete with one of the region’s top industries. “We were going to consider switching to drugs,” states Pastor Pedistol of the Foxburgh Community Hypocrisy. “We just realized that a sanctuary is holy and that dr

A recent study finds that pretending to be stupid doesn’t determine when we are being difficult. Researchers at Common Sense University conducted a test and were astonished to learn that fake ignorance is an illegitimate expression. The study consisted of several control groups with individuals known to be dogmatic pricks. When confronted with real-life circumstances where they were absolutely wrong, each subject completely denied reality, acting like denial somehow fixed the

The President of Venezuela has announced today that he will be stepping down due to a change in life circumstances. According to sources, President Maduro feels that Venezuela is no longer home to him and has officially decided that it is time to move on from his presidency. “I just feel like I have so much going on right now. That life is taking me away from my work,” states Maduro. “I would love to get back to leading this nation. But unfortunately, my hands are completely

The Venezuelan military is facing deportation after failing to cross legally. Based on sources we made up, a group of military personnel crossed into the U.S. attempting to capture the President. Unfortunately, they broke the law by forgetting their visa. "We are fortunate to have caught these men when we did." States an ICE agent who doesn't exist. "We understand they want to get back at us. But there's a legal way to kidnap the president, and there's the way they went about

We here at the Venango Republic stand by our word when we say that our goal is to tick everyone off. Due to a series of articles that consistently point out the hypocrisies of one side, we feel that it is time we point out the hypocrisies of another side of an issue. This time, we go after the conservatives who wildly exaggerate the motives of a woman who just wanted to drive off, thinking that the agent would jump out of the way. Granted, we acknowledge that the agent did no

The Tionesta branch of Alcoholics Anonymous is requesting new recruits after their last member announced he is sober. According to sources, Derek, who yesterday referred to himself as an alcoholic, announced that he no longer craves drunkenness. The news shocked the town, which has a population of about three people. The other two citizens also moved on from AA last year after a lifelong dedication to moonshine. “I tried to stick it out as long as I could,” says Derek, who st

Between Clarion, Crawford, and Venango County, there are several martial arts schools offering various styles of self-defense. Many of these schools consist of instructors who have competed in legitimate tournaments and even put their bodies on the line in cage matches. Hollywood has not called about filming Kung Fu Panda Visits PA, but that doesn't mean there aren't good schools here. You just need to know what makes a school reputable and what to consider. The Venango Repub

Rouseville residents woke up to a suspicious noise earlier today. According to sources, a loud, obnoxious quake resonated throughout the town, leaving locals completely stunned. Upon investigating the constant ruckus, it was discovered that there are two possible sources. Unfortunately, the sounds of both possibilities are so similar that experts are struggling to determine which one is to blame. Construction workers at the edge of town have been at work all week, trying to h

Cranberry Mall is excited to announce the opening of a new store. As of this morning, a new retailer has opened up with the branding of stupid craft items nobody wants. “We wanted to bring in a major brand name like Barnes & Noble, Bonton, and Build-A-Bear,” states the mall executives. “Unfortunately, nobody shops here, making it impossible for us to justify bringing in stores too good for the county. Not to mention, everyone is too poor to shop at those stores anyway.” With

A group of 12 out-of-shape locals gathered today to protest deportation through ICE. According to sources, the protest was so massive that the only ICE agent visiting the county was forced to deploy tear gas on nobody. The protest began at 4 PM and lasted till the weaklings’ knees gave out. ICE agents attempted to enter Franklin but immediately faced impenetrable resistance due to the barrage of guilt comments. We're actually kidding. ICE did not enter Franklin today because

Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared president of Venango County, has cracked down on deporting undocumented Chihuahuas this year. So far, several elderly women have banded together to hit Glacier agents with their canes and purses to protect their pooches from deportation. Unfortunately, deportation has shifted its focus to other matters. Governor Jim Waltz of Rockland Township is now facing allegations of using county funding for fake salami daycares. You heard tha

Two out-of-state tourists stopped by a Clarion bar Tuesday night hoping to experience some leisure. According to sources, the brothers were driving from Harrisburg to Tuscarawas, Ohio, (wherever the hell that is) and came across the University Inn. Because the college town of Clarion likes to confuse their visitors, the brothers were quickly hit with the realization that all the bedrooms at the University Inn are actually apartments. Not wanting to stay for an entire month, t

We here at the Venango Republic believe in freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of hypocrisy. We also believe in the right to expose hypocrisy for the sake of comical relief. Why try to please everyone when you can make everyone mad? A lot of attention has been given to some random woman who got shot in the face on Wednesday. Obviously, the nation must mourn due to the politics surrounding her death. Whether she was a complete prick with Karen like tendencies,

A broken sidewalk remains cracked after months of dispute between officials of the Venango County Senate. According to sources, Minority Leader Kendra Lutelute claims she is being reasonable despite refusing to vote in favor of the sidewalk repair. Hours of debate left members of the Egocentric Party enraged. With only one vote needed to finalize the sidewalk repair bill, Kendra Lutelute refused to cast her support for the decision, claiming that the job could compromise the

In a bold operation, the Venango County Military has successfully carried out their mission to capture the mayor of Slippery Rock. This came after several leads cited Slippery Rock as the source of academic trafficking. In a press briefing today, Vice Mayor Clumsy informed the public that several diplomas were being earned and trafficked into the county through a process called “higher education.” “At least 3 people have driven to Slippery Rock daily for the last 8 years,” st