Local AA Meeting Struggles After Town Runs Out of Drunks, Urges Community to Consume More Beverage

The Tionesta branch of Alcoholics Anonymous is requesting new recruits after their last member announced he is sober. According to sources, Derek, who yesterday referred to himself as an alcoholic, announced that he no longer craves drunkenness.

The news shocked the town, which has a population of about three people. The other two citizens also moved on from AA last year after a lifelong dedication to moonshine.

“I tried to stick it out as long as I could,” says Derek, who still refuses to say his last name. “I knew I was recovering way too fast for the program and tried to at least struggle with booze once a week. Unfortunately, I hate the stuff now.”

The board for Tionesta’s AA group now no longer exists. With the entire branch completely dried up, AA enthusiasts are asking how they can revive the program.

“It’s just sad to realize it is no longer available for those who need it,” says Suzy Sober, who oddly was holding a needle during the interview.

Derek attended weekly for an entire year as the only member. He would introduce himself by saying, “Hi, I’m Derek. I’m an alcoholic,” then talk to himself about all his problems.

“It was such a great group to draw inspiration from,” Derek expressed to us. “I needed this circle in that last year to help me recover. Now, to my shame, I no longer qualify. I just ask that locals start doing their part and take an interest in alcohol so we can keep it going.”

The residents will be holding a town meeting this weekend to discuss ways to resolve the lack of drinkers in the community. Proposals may include a Nonalcoholics Anonymous for people wanting to regress from sobriety. Visit your local Wine and Spirits to offer your support today!