Franklin Rally Aims for Washington, Barely Reaches Oil City

A group of 12 out-of-shape locals gathered today to protest deportation through ICE. According to sources, the protest was so massive that the only ICE agent visiting the county was forced to deploy tear gas on nobody.

The protest began at 4 PM and lasted till the weaklings’ knees gave out. ICE agents attempted to enter Franklin but immediately faced impenetrable resistance due to the barrage of guilt comments.

We're actually kidding. ICE did not enter Franklin today because Washington doesn't know we exist. We'll still try to make this sound as dramatic as possible.

Out of the hundreds of ICE agents flooding our streets, the thousands of protestors managed to induce a riot that could be heard from the White House.... Actually, they're so busy with big cities like Minneapolis and Los Angeles, our complaints didn't even make the bottom of the pile.... We will try to intensify this even more....

The ICE agents went away with several bodily injuries. With no medics in sight, the federal agents retreated to Pittsburgh to receive medical aid.... Actually, with no ICE agents present, the only injury we can accurately report is a splinter the old guy got while holding his sign.... We will try to dramatize this more....

With Washington now pressured by these 12 Franklin residents, the President says he finally gets the point.... That's another lie.... He is completely unmoved....

Experts say that disappointment is unlikely to set in since the history of locals accomplishing nothing never seems to faze them. However, in the wake of calling for federal reform, we can gladly say that one individual was rewarded by receiving his very own parking ticket. As for the President, we are still wondering how these people think this protest will change anything if Minneapolis isn't doing the trick....