Ohio Tourists Visit Clarion Bar, Exit with New Respect for Psychiatrists

Two out-of-state tourists stopped by a Clarion bar Tuesday night hoping to experience some leisure. According to sources, the brothers were driving from Harrisburg to Tuscarawas, Ohio, (wherever the hell that is) and came across the University Inn.

Because the college town of Clarion likes to confuse their visitors, the brothers were quickly hit with the realization that all the bedrooms at the University Inn are actually apartments. Not wanting to stay for an entire month, they checked in at a nearby hotel before returning to the bar.

The men arrived at the bar at roughly 9:10 p.m. and were instantly bombarded by the town’s baggage. Witnesses say that the men were visibly intimidated by the constant barrage of gossip brought on by Clarion residents. Despite attempts to look for other locations to drink, the towns folk followed them while multiplying in numbers along the way.

The brothers returned to the University Inn after discovering how much the town is infested with negativity. Several attempts to order shots failed to keep them sane when dealing with the local drama. By 12 o’clock, when the bar was ready to close, an ambulance had to be called to escort the men out of town.

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the two men are donut shop owners traveling from Harrisburg. Their van was transporting a giant donut mixer. The donut mixer is still in the back of their van and is being guarded by the town’s most trustworthy scum. We cannot verify if the van is still where they left it.

Donut mixer to make giant donut kingdom

The two tourists were taken to the ICUP Medical Center in Seneca and are said to be in critical condition. Both individuals state that they were not prepared for the lasting baggage that they have to carry with them for the rest of their lives. One is quoted saying that he has a "newfound respect for psychiatrists and does not plan to leave his donut-making career to pursue mental health." The other one stayed completely silent while cleaving to a scone.

Professors at Clarion University state that the two men are incredibly fortunate, being that they only had to deal with the elder drama. Students are not expected to return from winter break to the university for at least another week and a half. According to researchers at Clarion University, had the men experienced both the elder drama along with the college-age drama, they most certainly would have gone insane. Doctors at the ICUP Medical Center in Seneca say that the two men will recover in roughly three months’ time, but will experience a minor twitch every time someone serves them a beer.