Waltz Threatens to Release County Guard if Mayor Blunders Does Not Back Down

Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared president of Venango County, has cracked down on deporting undocumented Chihuahuas this year. So far, several elderly women have banded together to hit Glacier agents with their canes and purses to protect their pooches from deportation.

Unfortunately, deportation has shifted its focus to other matters. Governor Jim Waltz of Rockland Township is now facing allegations of using county funding for fake salami daycares. You heard that right. What looks to be a child’s play area may actually be a factory producing salami.

In the last week, Glacier agents have moved into Rockland, laying siege to the alleged salami daycare centers. Several citizens have banded together, making matters difficult for the three agents, who struggled to fend off a crowd of five elderly women.

An encounter yesterday escalated out of control when a woman riding her wheelchair was shot by a spitball and instantly died of COVID. The Glacier agent defended himself, saying that the woman was “at that age anyway” and almost ran over his foot with her training wheels.

Jim Waltz responded to the incident by approaching his podium with a box-step routine to the sound of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.

“Let me make this clear. We do not need Mayor Blunders’ help. We do not need Venango County Glacier agents hitting us with ice cubes. If this continues, I will deploy the County Guard.”

“Deploying the County Guard will make matters very complicated,” states Mayor Blunders. “The troops who make up the County Guard are the same men serving as Glacier agents.”

Mayor Blunders is taking the warning of Waltz very seriously and is preparing for the worst-case scenario of his men having to attack themselves. In the meantime, negotiations are on the table for Waltz and Blunders to resolve this matter over 16th-century ballet.