Venezuela Attempts Presidential Capture, Cited for Crossing Illegally

The Venezuelan military is facing deportation after failing to cross legally. Based on sources we made up, a group of military personnel crossed into the U.S. attempting to capture the President. Unfortunately, they broke the law by forgetting their visa.

"We are fortunate to have caught these men when we did." States an ICE agent who doesn't exist. "We understand they want to get back at us. But there's a legal way to kidnap the president, and there's the way they went about it."

As of last night, the first retaliation attempt by the Venezuelan military was immediately foiled after they discovered the Whitehouse is surrounded by guns. According to unreliable sources, five military men armed with low-grade potato cannons tried surrounding the White House but were unable to figure out how to climb over the wall. Air support was no help due to paper airplanes being cheap.

Authorities were tipped off about the illegal crossing after the Venezuelan Military members ordered a corn and bean topping pizza with no crust or sauce. Within minutes, ICE moved into Washington and were met with resistance by protesters, who instinctively concluded the deportation was racist. Several protesters admitted they weren’t sure what they were protesting, but felt strongly about it anyway.

Citizens held up several signs defending the Venezuelan men. Captions ranged from "they were leaving anyways" to "we are a melting pot for all! ICE is not welcome!" Technically, ICE melts, so we're still trying to figure out that one.

Agents encountered riots that frankly, left the out of shape protesters with more bruises. Fortunately for the protesters, the insults from the crowd left each ICE agent feeling under appreciated. One official stated that the words were so harsh, it left him feeling hurt.

In a press briefing today, President Maduro addressed the nation of Venezuela over the failed operation. “We will not stop pushing to achieve this objective.” states Maduro. “Our government has been planning this all week. We will get Trump if it's the last thing we do.” Maduro finished his statement and was then escorted back to his cell after being informed that leisure time was over.

The zoom calls between President Maduro and his country will continue until they successfully find a plan that works, or completely give up. Until then, the warden politely has asked Maduro to stop running over his time.