Churches Rebrand As Bars Over Membership Sprawl: Bible or Beer?

Declined attendance in local churches has pastors taking desperate measures to win their communities back. After failed bungee jumps installed on their steeples resulted in unwanted trips to the afterlife, congregation leaders are now considering a complete rebrand to compete with one of the region’s top industries.

“We were going to consider switching to drugs,” states Pastor Pedistol of the Foxburgh Community Hypocrisy. “We just realized that a sanctuary is holy and that drunks are easier to handle than heroin users.”

With bars surpassing the amount of churches surrounding them, pastors say that it is time to “get with the times.”

“Nobody really listens to the Bible anyway,” says Pastor Shortcoming of the First Church of Baptist Uprising. “This is a generation where we trust in the Lord with half our heart and lean entirely on our own understanding.”

The new churches will feature pool tables with a quarter slot to contribute tithes, slot machines to test members’ faith, and Wednesday night karaoke to audition “worship” leaders.

Note: Attendees are asked to keep requests non-religious for the sake of our customers. Keep it clean with things like Rihanna.

Services will be moved from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. and will last until Sunday Night Football is over. Going forward, no sermons will be performed so that people won’t get distracted from the games they are watching.

Church leaders insist this shift does not compromise their values, only their dignity. “If Jesus could turn water into wine, we’re just cutting out the middleman,” one pastor explained while adjusting a tap handle shaped like a cross. Services are expected to resume as normal once attendance improves, or once the church runs out of Bud Light—whichever comes first.