New Store Opens Up in Cranberry Mall

Cranberry Mall is excited to announce the opening of a new store. As of this morning, a new retailer has opened up with the branding of stupid craft items nobody wants.

“We wanted to bring in a major brand name like Barnes & Noble, Bonton, and Build-A-Bear,” states the mall executives. “Unfortunately, nobody shops here, making it impossible for us to justify bringing in stores too good for the county. Not to mention, everyone is too poor to shop at those stores anyway.”

With major brands incapable of making such a move to the area, locals are forced to settle for stores selling homemade items they pretend to like for local morale.

The new store is called Crafts and Crap. Like many Venango retailers, it sells a bunch of homemade junk along with other dusty stuff they found in their garage. Essentially, one can think of this as an independently owned Goodwill, or an indoor yard sale that never ends. This store inevitably will..... This just in: New store at Cranberry Mall closes due to financial hardship.

Crafts and Crap, a business that just opened several hours ago, says that it is forced to close due to financial struggles brought on by the lack of shoppers. According to sources, the owners had just opened up this morning but instantly went bankrupt due to their Venango County budget. Crafts and Crap will now join the long list of local entrepreneurs who enthusiastically thought they could make a difference in the mall and learned the hard way.