Titusville Mayor Says He Will Send More Snowballs When War Resumes on Monday

The war between East Crawford and Venango County has escalated to measures that were not expected so soon. Just last week, a soldier from the East Crawford military crossed the border claiming one square foot of land. In response, Mayor Blunders of Oil City sent two-thirds of the Venango County military to secure the border. Within days, East Crawford's military crossed again when the two soldiers from the Venango County military were asleep. After stealing the Venango soldiers' roller skates, East Crawford made their way to Oil City and have now laid siege to the north side of town.

If not for the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, Venango County would be defenseless. The third and only military member of Venango County, still residing in Oil City, is nine-year-old Timmy, who spends most of his weekdays in school. With a curfew that he's been trying to convince his mother to change, Timmy has been little help in the war against East Crawford. Consequently, Venango has had to request aid from West Crawford and Clarion County, who have sent several soldiers armed with Meow Mix, Puppy Chow, and Clarion University textbooks.

PLATO treaty marked by blue counties

Defenses have been established on the south side of Oil City, with Veterans Bridge heavily fortified by soldiers sent by Meadville, which is the capital of West Crawford. On the other side, Clarion County military has stacked several university textbooks at the crossing point of Petroleum Bridge and Route 8 in order to cut East Crawford off from reaching Franklin, Pennsylvania, and the businesses on the four lanes.

West Crawford military fortifies Veterans Bridge on left. Clarion military enters Oil City on right.

The war is at a standstill as of this weekend due to all four counties lacking the budget to pay their soldiers. Venango County has invited the East Crawford military to have pizza and has even agreed to offer them a romantic dinner with their wives on the condition that they do not shoot spitballs at our military during the ceasefire.

Meanwhile, in the political arena, the Crawford Carnage reports that Mayor Dumdum of Titusville is promising to send heavier artillery consisting of larger snowballs on Monday. With West Crawford troops and Clarion County troops barely holding their fortifications, larger snowballs are sure to be a devastating blow, given that no county in the PLATO Treaty can figure out how to make one. Even Mayor Blunders is clueless.

East Crawford discovered the snowball less than a month ago and is now taking advantage of the advanced technology that PLATO desperately needs to discover. Mayor Blunders of Oil City requested researchers at Venango Campus to research the matter, but they haven't made any progress on producing one themselves.

The ceasefire is not a long period of time, but will hopefully give each military a chance to rest before resuming the ridiculous nature of this satirical conflict. The Venango Republic will bring you up-to-date reports as matters become more heated. Because we don't want this to end, you can take our word for it that matters will become more ridiculously heated.