Clarion Troops Arrive in Oil City: Soldier Struck by Spitball

The odds have finally shifted closer to Venango County's favor now that the Clarion County Military has officially arrived. At about 1:25 Thursday, three Clarion troops sent by Mayor Intellect of Clarion marched down Seneca Hill into the heart of Oil City's south side.

With the north side fallen into enemy hands, Venango defenses are barely holding at Veterans Bridge thanks to the intervention of West Crawford troops fortifying the road with Meow Mix.

Fights escalated when half of the East Crawford troops attempted to cross the bridge with what seemed to be a purse on his side. The soldier reached inside the bag and began bombarding soldiers with snowballs mercilessly.

The Meow Mix walls held up against the bombardment, giving West Crawford troops the ability to launch a counterattack by firing Puppy Chow at the attacking force.

The Puppy Chow was much more of an annoyance to the East Crawford soldier, who retreated without visible injury. This, however, was not done before firing a spitball toward the right side of the fortifications. The spitball struck a horse that instantly died of COVID.

Meanwhile, Clarion County troops attempted to secure Main Street across the Petroleum Street Bridge to block Crawford's access to Route 8. The operation was delayed when soldiers turned left on Petroleum Street and wound up in the parking lot at Northwest Bank. The company immediately recognized their error, asked for directions, and headed back to the bridge they were standing next to when they made the wrong turn.

Current battle map

While crossing the bridge, Clarion soldiers were met with a barrage of snowballs brought on by the other half of the East Crawford Military. The other guy laying siege to the town beat Clarion soldiers to Main Street and began attacking them.

Military generals say that the bridge must not be destroyed if Oil City is to remain standing. Clarion soldiers bravely pressed forward using their textbooks as shields. While dragging a cart full of college textbooks behind them, the soldiers did not hesitate to fight fire with fire by launching complicated formulas in the direction of the enemy.

With East Crawford's knowledge of higher education at an all-time low, hearing Clarion soldiers recite Newton's laws out loud was overwhelming to their mental capacity. The East Crawford soldier tried to defend against the Clarion advancement by switching to spitballs. Clarion successfully drove the enemy back to regain Main Street despite one of their soldiers taking a spitball to the arm. The soldier is fine despite his arm instantly dying of COVID.

The brave soldier is being tended to by West Crawford military aides. Meanwhile, both sections of Oil City's south side are secure for the time being. The other members of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, have learned of the recent attack and are sending as many soldiers as they can spare.

Current PLATO members in blue

Mercer has agreed to send an additional seven troops armed with whatever Mercer is known for.

Forest County is sending aid from Marienville, capital of East Forest County. They will be armed with pine trees and acorns.

Finally, Jefferson County has agreed to send one man who will serve no purpose whatsoever.... Typical of Jefferson....

The cost was high, with a horse dying and a Clarion soldier needing military aid. But the members of the PLATO treaty have finally all agreed to contribute as Venango waits on their soldiers return from the border on Route 8. Sources cannot confirm if the Venango military men are yet aware that East Crawford soldiers sneaked past them while they were asleep. Experts are just praying they will notice their roller skates missing.