Woman Shamed for $20 Mistake: Thank God for Local Journalism

A 65-year-old Clarion woman is facing misdemeanor charges for what, according to sources, actually classifies as a crime.

According to amateur reports, a woman entered the self-checkout section at the Monroe Walmart and paid for her items with a $20 bill she found on the floor. While this seems like a minor incident, Pennsylvania law apparently prohibits using cash in this way without at least making some sort of reasonable effort to find the original owner. Because this classifies as a crime, we decided to be just like the top media news outlet in Clarion and paint this woman out to be the worst person on planet Earth.

We here at the Venango Republic are not very good at exaggerating the nature of a minor mistake for the purpose of ridiculing an individual. We really only know how to mock people who defame themselves. For instance, when a person shuts down multiple businesses by running their mouths too much, or when a Bonnie and Clyde consistently steal from restaurants by pretending their order was screwed up. Though this sad excuse for a crime is just as petty as the restaurant incident, it's not like this woman has a reputation preceding her. Plus, Explore Clarion seems confident, that prior to today, they knew the laws surrounding the act of picking up minor denominations in public. Obviously they've never picked up money before because nobody in Clarion has anything more than a penny. Thats why we need Explore Clarion to effectively scold her for us.

We want to look to the best examples when it comes to exaggerating minor incidents. We want to look to the people who report a woman swapping shoes at a Goodwill, a man stealing boots from a store, and a minor fender bender being blown up like a major car crash. We look no further than you Explore Nothing.

It's really hilarious when you read the Facebook post covering the incident of the $20 mobster. The way they describe her is as one who is in "hot water."

Sure Explore Clarion.... Everybody in town is talking bad about her... Not just you....

Funny, considering that news outlets in much more populated areas typically reserve the phrase "hot water" for when a politician says something racist or does something that involves a multi-billion dollar scandal. The way they talk, we're almost surprised that they didn't go to the Justice Department website and search her name in the Epstein files.

Oh, and what of the individual who lost thier lifelong fortune stamped with an Andrew Jackson emblem? Well, despite reporting the name of our $20 thief, Explore Clarion didn't even bother to identify the mother of this kidnapped tender. Instead, they referred to them as the "victim."

"It was my last hope at a lottery ticket that would get me out of this failing University"

They really want to drive home that this poor woman won't make it another day without her $20 fortune, so much that they used the word "victim" six times in their article. See for yourself!

We're happy to have Explore Clarion lebeling local offenders and those on the recieving end of major crimes.... What's that? Their definition is wrong????

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means....

Well, according to this definition, the alleged "victim" of the $20 heist was potentially harmed, injured, killed, or even faced some sort of fatal accident. Unless we're talking about the second definition...

Does this apply?

In this instance, the woman who negligently left her own $20 bill at the self-checkout was somehow tricked or duped by the 65-year-old woman who came after it was left behind. Obviously she is a Wiccan who sensed the presence of a federal note exiting the mechanical station. She must have used a spell on the bills caretaker before cleverly walking over and finding it nonchalantly. We are onto you spellmaker!

Oh, that definition doesn't apply? Well, there's only one definition left. And according to that definition, the woman who negligently left her bill at the self-checkout classifies as an offering unto the Lord...

Who knows what would happen to her if she lived in Jerusalem. Those rabbis have no regard for undefiled lambs.

I don't know about you people, but I don't think any of these definitions are applying to our victim. The woman can't be a dead sacrifice because she managed to report the matter after becoming the victim. This makes their victimhood unvictimized....

According to explore nothing, our poor victim could not bear being separated from her $20 fortune much more than 20 minutes. She just had to go to the police, who, to our surprise, actually performed an investigation. Now, if we can just get this same service when reporting porch pirates around Christmas!

We're very thrown off here. The city's probably spending that much in gas money just to drive around to get all the reports. Why are we wasting tax dollars on this?????

Ladies and gentlemen, we're sorry. Explore Clarion is right. By definition, this is a crime in Pennsylvania. We here at the Venango Republic are very ashamed for mocking how serious they take this horrible offense. How dare we not take this serious? How dare we treat this as a minor incident when there are so many other minor incidents, like this man being referenced on the Philadelphia police website?

Stop exaggerating Philly! At least you don't have $20 losses!

Or this good Samaritan in the Erie news, who, for some reason, they wanted to put on death death row last year.

Poor victim facing jail time....

And how dare we make this incident as light as this other harmless situation involving men trying to make a living off alcohol...

They probably drunk....

Wait a second. What does that say at the bottom of the picture?????

That's just a made up phrase!

Huh. What are "editorial standards?????" Well, if it's no big deal to Explore Clarion, I guess we shouldn't care.

Explore Clarion is right. This woman is a horrible individual. According to their article, the best excuse she could come up with for the police is that she saw the bill on the floor and thought that it fell out of her pocket. As we all know, it's completely inconceivable that a $20 bill would fall out of someone's pocket in Walmart. So why in the world would she think this inconceivable incident would happen to her? Obviously, she's making excuses to avoid consequences for this wretched crime!

We've all been to restaurants that refuse to refund our $50 meals when we accuse the waiters of offering bad service. Unfortunately, this is Western Pennsylvania, where $20 is considered a lot of money. Places like Walmart and Explore Clarion clearly understand the importance of preserving those funds long enough for locals to get their next welfare check. It's a great thing we took our time to demonize this 65-year-old woman who probably doesn't even know how to use a phone.... I mean she's not a millennial....

Thank goodness she probably doesn't have enough patience for a phone, or she'd probably come across that stupid article written by our amateur news source. Watch out, Clarion County. The woman who picked up a $20 bill is coming for your condo