Who Is Clarion’s Masked Vigilante? Neighbors Just Wish He’d Stop Jumping on Cars....

Clarion has seen some weird things over the years. In 2015, a man was caught lighting a cigar with a Molotov cocktail. In 2020, a gentleman tried bypassing the Walmart mask mandate by claiming he already died of it. This year, however, presents a whole new kind of weird.

A masked man can be seen each night on the top of his car overlooking the town. According to sources, the man is too out of shape to climb the two-story buildings that make up the entire township. He also has no strength to climb the light posts to get a better view.

Townsfolk already know who the guy is. He literally keeps forgetting to take his nametag off after work. Consequently, he jumps from car to car thinking he's doing something, then acts surprised when an insurance agent appears at his house to collect for damages.

Locals have nothing to be grateful for regarding this man. He arrives ten minutes after the police have the emergency under control. Last week, he witnessed a crime ten feet from him and still managed to arrive late because his cape got stuck in the blender at Dunkin’.

With no real purpose to what he is doing, we really have nothing good to say about him. After all the accomplishments he still has not made, one question remains: Why does this guy think we care who he is? We don’t! We literally could care less if he stopped right now!

Locals say they are not bothered by him being out at night—just as long as he stops jumping on their vehicles. With crime about the same as it always has been, many speculate he'll eventually get bored and get a life. Until then, he will just be the backside of everyone’s joke. But hey, Dave... I mean Golden Eagle Man, will be here to solve nothing!