Local Morons Forget DNA is A Thing

Per the outdated news network, a man took to Facebook September 1st expressing concern over two men who could be seen trying to break into his cars. The owner of the vehicles captured footage from his Blink security camera showing two men with faces wrapped in hoods to hide their identities. Apparently they don't have fingerprints in their genes because they weren't afraid to touch the cars with their bare hands.

The Giant Eagle Grocery Store voiced their concern over the footage. Since 2020, they have held the belief that covering your face with anything other than a mask will not stop the spread of COVID. Both gentlemen have been warned that if they come into Giant Eagle's store with such face coverings, they will be asked to leave the store.

As for people with common sense, the fear of these two car hijackers has raised alarm in everyone on the Southside of Oil City. The Northside is not afraid because nobody there can afford a car anyway.

The public responded on Facebook with various disgruntled messages. One user issued a warning to the two masked morons that coming to his place would result in seeing his ugly face....

Stop thinking so small of yourself Bill.

Another user went so far as to blame the former president for the incident because we all know that car thefts never took place before 2020...

Two kids pull on a car handle, walk away, and somehow we relate it to the economic problems our nation is facing..... If only Biden signed that order to open the keystone pipeline, this car wouldn't have been touched!

The next user made light of the situation with a little joke....

Nick, we love your sarcasm. But because we are self proclaimed pricks, we must pretend you were serious with that statement and call you a moron. Here it goes..... You're a moron!

Our final commenter offered insight on the whereabouts of the suspicious car hijackers...

Oh.... It was the Northside????? What a shame. It was such a good joke earlier.... We're just going to say this user is lying and use the joke anyway.

Nobody listen to this user! Nobody on the Northside can afford a car because they don't have jobs!

There is no information as to whether these men have been caught, or if there is enough of a crime here to even press charges. Experts suggest the two probably won't ever pull off a successful crime because they probably wouldn't know how to open the cars even if they were unlocked.