Local Man Brags About Wealth While Standing in Dollar General Parking Lot

FRANKLIN — Locals say 46-year-old Dennis “Big Dime” McClurg is the richest man in town. At least, according to Dennis himself. The self-proclaimed tycoon was spotted outside Dollar General yesterday, leaning against his 2004 Chevy Cavalier with one missing hubcap, declaring that “life is good when you’ve got money like me.”

Sources say McClurg, who works part-time stacking cans at the same Dollar General, insists that his financial portfolio is unmatched. “I’ve got two scratch-off tickets in my glove box right now,” he boasted. “And if either of them hit, that makes me a millionaire in waiting. That’s called investments, look it up.”

Despite living in a one-bedroom apartment above his cousin’s garage, McClurg claims he’s sitting on “serious property.” When pressed, he clarified that the “property” is actually the broken trampoline behind the garage, which he rents out to neighborhood kids for fifty cents a bounce.

Asked about his spending habits, McClurg stated, “I don’t waste money like you peasants. I only drink top-shelf. And by top shelf, I mean the top shelf at Save-A-Lot — where they keep the two-liter Mountain Dew.”

Neighbors say McClurg is harmless but entertaining. “He once told me he’s diversified because he owns both a Playstation 2 and a DVD player,” said one witness. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him those are the same thing.”

At press time, McClurg was reportedly making plans to “retire early” once he cashes in the $23.50 he has saved in change jars around his apartment.