Local Dirtbag Returns to Life of Bike Stealing..... Warned Politely in Caps....

A local woman took to the What's Happening in Clarion County Facebook page Monday afternoon expressing her grief over her bike being stolen. According to sources, the bike may have been taken by a dirtbag we cited in an article months ago. Article here.

Police have not confirmed to us if it is the same dirtbag. According to experts, this may be because the police department doesn't update fake news sources. This leaves us no choice but to make up the details ourselves.

According to our unreliable sources, the dirtbag matches the same personality as the one from the original article. The victim of this crime, who we will refer to as Miss Notwhite (her name is not White!), sent a strong message to the perpetrator of this horrible act of public indecency.....

Criminal thanked and threatened in a matter of two sentences.

The post instantly went viral by Clarion standards gaining a whopping eleven reactions and twelve comments. Some of the commenters expressed having the same experiene with a dirtbag....

"Why can't someone just want me for my personality and not just my bike?"

Another woman, who we will refer to as Rising Contributor, was so frustrated, she forgot to proofread her comment.....

Are we getting the stole work boots? Or did somebody steal work boots?????

A top contributor on the page, who we will call Gym Dreamer, proposed that talking nicely on Facebook might make the bad guys put the bike back....

Please Gym, do not show up during a hostage negotiation! Also, put on a shirt! I saw your profile picture!

Only time will tell if the dirtbag who stole the bike will ever be found. Experts state that the most difficult part about this situation is the fact that the bike was stolen in a town where everything stands out. How are we ever going to recognize this bike when the criminal takes it out for a ride? I guess we'll just have to try extra hard to notice something recognizable.