Local Church Adapts to Younger Crowd.... Now Attentive to 60 and Over

A local church known for that random guy who got stoned on the corner says that they are adapting their style to reach a younger generation. Pastor Rye Burst, known for actively sustaining his soft toned Mr. Rogers Fakerhood voice, says that he is wanting to tone down the legality of his service to a standard that makes young people feel less like they're attending a service in the Oakwood Heights nursing home.

Recognizing the risk of compromise, and the potential loss of respect from pipe organ lovers, Burst is cleverly taking things slow by choosing to reach a generation that was youthful in the 70s.

"We don't want to go too young," states Pastor Burst. "Taking things to that extent might bring kids into the church. We all know what that could do to the carpets."

The decision to take things slow is not the worst idea for a church that thinks outdated is the new black. Mind you, old people who will die in the next five years don't like major change. It makes sense to only lower your age appeal by ten years once every ten years... I mean, technically you'll be back where you started after that ten years is up, but let's just keep this nonsense going.

"We know that Jesus said 'let the little children come to me,'" states Tie-Dye Absorbant, worship leader at the church of First Orange Juice. "But we are fairly certain that if they came to Jesus wearing shirts that say 'Jesus saves' He would definitely turn them away."

The attempt to reach a younger generation has been in the back of this church's mind for years. Unfortunately, it was buried underneath all that apathy. Finally, just enough has surfaced so retirees can feel accepted.

"These people are coming to a point in life where they are free from hard work," states Bobblehead Flashlight, Elder at the church of First Orange Juice. "We need to help them transition from that nonsense they put up with in the real world so that when they grow a little bit older, they can live long enough to make it to hospice." We don't know what that means either.....

The church of First Orange Juice may be behind in their appeal to youth. One thing is for certain though: they are raising up a new generation of elderly folk. At this rate, experts think they will catch up to modern life in roughly... never.....