Anonymous Man Learns Hiding Behind A Gun Doesn't Make You Important

An anonymous man learned today that his actions are not respected by anyone worth respecting. According to sources, Mr. Iam Acoward thought that committing a horrible crime could potentially gain him worldwide recognition. Fortunately, practically 100% of those who witnessed his actions don’t have hearts that were kept on ice.

The man at large is not only at large due to his quietness, but because his ego is too big for this planet to accommodate. Researchers at Utah Valley University warn that Earth itself risks falling out of orbit under the gravitational pull of his exaggerated self-importance.

The man worthy of public disgrace states that he personally believes he was mortally wounded — by opinions he had every ability to ignore. Unfortunately, his demented ego kept him from making the simple decision of deleting his social media and turning off his phone.

“I genuinely thought that the cure to my hurt was to do something that would make me carry guilt forever,” he reportedly confessed in the delusional echo chamber of his own head. "I thought about seeking therapy after today. Unfortunately, the only solution I found is pretending I am proud of what I did and living in the secrecy that will haunt me forever."

As for other pricks on social media who think freedom of speech means ending lives that exercise freedom of speech, researchers fear their self-importance will also take up too much hard drive space for online platforms to function. Several posts comparing a certain victim to Hitler seem to think that holding a microphone under a tent equates to the Holocaust. Ironically, 13 years of university appearances only resulted in one person targeted unfairly, and it happens to be the supposed Hitler..... Still not sure how you can compare that to the real Hitler’s 6 million..... The universities really are failing us in the math department.

Fortunately, such morons who make that comparison aren't drawing crowds at college campuses. This is probably because everyone knows not to give a platform to another wannabe Hitler.

The coward hiding from the public has expressed some disappointment over the results. Despite trying to silence an influential voice, he now has millions more speaking the opinions he doesn't like.

"I was hoping that by silencing somebody, those ideas would suddenly not exist anymore," states the man who clearly has no concept of how people think. "I figured what didn't work for John Wilkes Booth, the guy who got Kennedy, and the dude who killed MLK would somehow work when I tried it. Oddly enough, millions still hold the opinions I don't like, and they are more emboldened to speak than before."

Mr. Iam Acoward is unfortunately more wounded than before his heartless act. What was only one voice has now turned into several voices emboldened by his actions. Mr. Acoward is in critical condition and must be taken to a hospital before he wets his bed. A GoFundMe page has been created to help purchase pacifiers for him to suck on. He would use his thumb, but he's still trying to hitchhike a ride on the road to denial.

Speaking of denial: Voices aren't silenced when you pull the trigger on your target. The views you thought you ended are written in the history books. Take a hint! Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., and John F. Kennedy (whatever it was he stood for… we personally aren't sure, but those who do know it!) are examples of how an attempt to destroy the beauty of free speech will always backfire. Am I wrong, or hasn't slavery ended? Are people still drinking from fountains marked by racial differences? Yeah, problems still exist. But you, the shooter, did nothing to silence an opposing side of American culture.

And here is where we cut the satire by stating it is time to cut this crap of comparing people to Hitler. There are good ideas and bad ideas on both sides of politics. It is not a case of one side being more evil than another. Instead, it's a nice balance of imperfect people trying to perfect a government that will never be perfect. Why? Because it is run by people. America has one thing in common with every country in the world: it is just a plot of land in the ocean being fought over by diverse groups trying to have their voices heard. And the bottom line is that having an opinion doesn't make any of us more important than the people who disagree with us.

You want to make this country a better place? Start loving people you naturally want to hate. You think their hatred is evil? Then be better than them and love them in return. Your love could be the very thing that helps them change.

"But I don't want them to change." Oh! You want them to keep hurting people? What logic! "My feelings are hurt, so I'll do something extremely hateful so others feel hurt." Brilliant! So much more productive than learning to love your enemies! "Instead of overcoming the evil I disagree with, I'll just be the same way!"

I am not calling Charlie Kirk hateful or loving. I am saying that how we respond to others we disagree with determines whether we are loving. Love is not a right granted by governments. It is a motive we can put into action even when opposed by others. If you have to demand it from others, then what you are fighting for is not love. It is self-glory. When politics takes priority over loving our enemies, we are no longer practicing what we preach. We are living in opposition to what we claim to live for. This is evidenced by what we observed in Utah.

It was an act of hate. And if we truly oppose hate, we would not wish harm on those we oppose, but desire for them to know the love we claim to posess. This goes for everyone. Including the shooter, who obviously has the same hate he thought he was trying to destroy. You want to make a difference? Then love when you feel offended.