Venango County Liberated: Battle of Franklin a Success

Business owners witnessed the most unusual event to ever take place in downtown Franklin as Operation Free Liberty Street took hold. At about 8:30 a.m. Monday morning, soldiers moved in from every direction, surrounding the East Crawford troop who had laid siege to the city, armed with only spitball launchers and muffin hand grenades.

The battle was a struggle for both the Allies and the Axis of Western Pennsylvania. The East Crawford military man, still unaware that his comrade was swallowed by a pothole in Cranberry, stood his ground, launching saliva artillery toward the enemy soldiers surrounding him. He managed to repel his attackers countless times while hiding behind a table just outside of Smoke Cantina.

West Crawford troops were little help in the battle, due to their Meow Mix having no potency compared to the disease-filled spitballs. Several attempts left three West Crawford troops wounded, with one of them saying that he was mourning the loss of his paw.

West Crawford troops retreat from spitfire

Laurel and Hardy, from the Venango County military, were separated for the first time in their military careers, with one covering the Rocky Grove section of town, and the other covering the bridge on 322. As they converged, using smoke signals to communicate, Hardy crept up the thin alley next to Smoke Cantina, where he spooked the East Crawford troop up the street to the Trails to Ales seating.

Despite repelling the East Crawford troop, Hardy was struck in the face with a muffin hand grenade thrown by his own comrade, Laurel. He was knocked out cold in an overly dramatized fashion. Laurel tended to his aid and pulled him back to safety inside the Iron Furnace Donut Shop. He was given immediate treatment with the purchase of a latte and cinnamon bun.

Stan Laurel comes to Oliver Hardy's aide during skirmish

No military remained but one 9-year-old Timmy, who stood as the last hope for Venango County and the Venango States of America. Timmy was given the advantage of being given a mask by his mother when she dropped him off on the far side of town on the route leading to Barkeyville. Timmy ran down the hill as fast as his childlike body could carry him. After catching his breath for 20 minutes, he traveled through the town wearing his N95 mask in case he was struck by a spitball.

When coming face-to-face with the East Crawford soldier, Timmy did not run and hide, but bravely ran through the artillery being shot toward him. Experts cannot determine if the spitball struck him, given that his military uniform is waterproof. Consequently, Timmy managed to come within five feet of the East Crawford soldier, where he lowered his mask and blew a spitball straight into the jaw of the armed assailant. Witnesses say that Timmy did not stop there, but managed to fire three more, some of which entered the throat as well. Medics arrived, but the East Crawford soldier is said to have instantly died of COVID.

Little Timmy running in the line of fire

It was a treacherous month for the newly formed Venango States of America. In less than a year of its existence, the country had survived two invasions by East Crawford, this time thanks to the bravery of 9-year-old Timmy, who we could not allow to die of COVID due to potential backlash. In recognition of the bravery of the three military men who make up the Venango County Army, Mayor Blunders awarded each of them the Venango States Medal of Honor, which once again is just a flimsy coupon to McDonald's, offering 10% off their next purchase.

Slimmed down Laurel and Hardy at today's ceremony

The war is not over yet, with Warren and Forest County still at odds, and East Crawford currently holding the industrial city of Marionville hostage. In time, it will be a question of whether the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization will band together to drive the enemy from the neighboring counties. Venango has survived. We owe a great thanks to West Crawford, and no thanks to Clarion, who is pretty much useless in this war. The success of ending the conflict will depend on whether the United Counties will take action in ending the evil that is Mayor Dumbdumb. Disclaimer, Mayor Dumbdumb is a fictional character, not based on whoever is currently running Titusville. We're sure the real guy is a really nice dude. We just had to pick a region to represent Russia. Sorry, Titusville.