Venango County Buys First Straw for LockRock Pipeline Project

After months of debate in the Venango County House of Representatives, Oil City has officially purchased its very first straw for the ambitious LockRock Pipeline project — Mayor Blunders’ grand plan to siphon Warren’s oil and revive the county’s long-dead industry.

The project, announced earlier this year, is designed to run from Warren to Oil City using nothing but drinking straws linked end to end. Officials insist the straws will cut costs dramatically compared to actual pipes, though critics argue the pipeline might struggle to survive a strong breeze, let alone carry oil.

Mayor Blunders remains confident: “Yes, we’re in debt. Yes, the population has dropped. Yes, our businesses close faster than our diners can serve burnt toast. But this pipeline will change everything. One straw at a time.”

The first straw reportedly cost $1.29 plus tax, draining the county’s emergency budget. Officials say they’re hoping for a bulk discount once they move on to straw number two.

Still, the project faces pushback. Environmental groups have raised concerns about the potential impact on tortoises — despite the fact that no tortoises have ever been spotted in Venango County. One activist argued that “if a tortoise ever decided to move here, it could choke on a straw.” County residents are now debating whether to build a tortoise sanctuary before continuing with construction.

Despite financial hurdles and imaginary reptile threats, the LockRock Pipeline remains Mayor Blunders’ top priority. Supporters believe it could finally bring back names like Quaker State and Pennzoil, though even Blunders admits he’s not entirely sure what those companies did when they were here.

For now, the first straw stands as a symbol of progress — a flimsy, hollow piece of plastic that county leaders hope will one day funnel Warren’s oil and Venango’s dreams straight into the future.