Tourism Plummets After Waterslide Deemed Too Unsafe

Erie, PA- The city of Erie is closing its latest amusement attraction less than a week after its grand opening. According to sources, the waterslide descending from the Bicentennial Tower at the edge of Lake Erie has already killed two fictional people. We offer the disclaimer that they are fictional so that no gullible moron accuses us of deceit.

Those responsible for the slide's existence are known as the Death Wish for Tourists Foundation. They are a nonprofit which specializes in once-in-a-lifetime death traps. So far, they've only been sued once, by a man who unexpectedly survived one of their attractions.

Following the events, major waterslide owners between Presque Isle and the downtown Erie Plaza are now questioning whether or not their slides meet basic safety standards in order to function as a business. The slide descending from the Hampton near the Bicentennial Tower has already announced a temporary closure until they can determine whether or not they meet the protocols.

The slide itself is not affiliated with the Hampton, who has no idea that the slide even exists in the fictional realm. The real owners, who also do not exist, say that they have never received any complaints about the safety standards. This, of course, does not factor in the feature of the ride, which includes tying a cinder block to a rider's foot prior to their descent.

The Renaissance Centre has been controversial for years with a slide whose declination leads straight to the pavement below it.

The Boston Store also has the same problem. Despite its highest point looking like a church steeple, they are facing widespread accusations of allowing people to descend without ensuring the riders are ready to meet their maker.

Work is being done to modify slides all around town. So far, the only disassembly has been this two foot tall plastic one found in a family's yard. It took three years for council to finally make a decision. Optimists say this is a step in the right direction.

Fresking optimists!

Workers are trying their hardest to finalize projects in a timely manner. Unfortunately, instead of removing the slide, they tore up the roadway by accident. They've decided to put in a bridge to justify the work.

Experts believe it could take years to resolve the controversy surrounding the slides in town. Though a vote could be had today, supporters keep dropping off the map. City council has tried to remedy this by encouraging the opposition to give the slides a shot. Those willing to try also keep dropping off the map, making it impossible for council to receive an objective opinion.

Credit for the article goes to the author. Credit for the waterslide idea goes to some random girl we met on a boat called the Lettie G. Howard. Interestingly, this Howard had a stern, but was unrelated to the show. Shout out to that person whose name we forgot. We were going to do an article about phlegm killing a man as it fell from the tower. She suggested the slide instead. The phlegm will come later.