Steelworkers Demanding Better Quality Hard Hats

Safety has become a concern for workers across the Steel City and the surrounding regions of Allegheny County. According to sources, workers feel that the condition of their hard hats will not ensure safety in the event of a beam bulldozing workers in the face.

The concern has been voiced for years, but owners of the major steel factories of Pittsburgh's fictional universe have dismissed the pleas for better safety protocols. Their argument remains that steel makes up the genetic nature of Allegheny County blood-born citizens, making modern protocols unnecessary to implement.

The notion that residents of Allegheny County have steel-quality genetics in their bloodline is nothing unfamiliar to science. Last year, a study was conducted at Pittsburgh University where test subjects were asked to walk through a metal detector naked. No subject could successfully surpass the entry point without setting off the detection system. The findings were no surprise to researchers.

For years, the offspring of Pittsburgh natives have believed that steel is a unique genetic trait. The city is so proud that they've made several attempts to rid their teams of names irrelevant to the region. Unfortunately, the Penguins, Pirates, and Panthers can't get rights to the name Steelers because the NFL team refuses to share the trademark. This has forced teams without the trademark to use names that have absolutely no relation to the city or its history.

With iron in the blood being an understatement, steelworkers still argue that safety is at risk when a heavy steel beam is flying at your face under a swinging pendulum. Advocates have argued that the effect is similar to if a normal human being were to be hit by another human swinging from a pendulum.

The petition has made it to the desk of Mayor Steelhead for the fifteenth time in the last three years. Experts believe it is unlikely to go anywhere since Mayor Steelhead is incredibly overworked with other political issues that take similar priority.

We are pretty sure those wrappers were from the last five minutes.