Rockland Governor Under Scrutiny for Salami Daycare Scandal

It was an interesting way to approach the podium. Jim Waltz, governor of Rockland Township, danced to the tune of a 16th-century composition while holding a partner in an elegant gown close to him. When Waltz came to the podium, his centuries-old tuxedo caught the attention of the press, wanting to hear his explanation for the recent salami daycare scandal.

“There is no salami scandal,” states Waltz, who insists that his family only eats kielbasa and hot dogs.

The crowd was divided as Waltz curtsied and performed a box step to the exit of the stage. Many are infuriated at the possibility of county funding being used to fund daycares that sell a bland meat product. Contrarily, the other side arguing that salami is great when you add onions.

“We can’t fault Waltz for wanting to feed our children cured sausage,” says one supporter. “He is working hard to ensure our daycares are suited to the best interest of our children.”

This, however, is the biggest problem with the daycares that Jim Waltz has requested county funding for. According to sources, the daycares are actually meatpacking factories with no facilities to accommodate young children.

What makes things even worse is that the salami is not even legal due to it being smuggled in from East Crawford County.

Koala Bearis has come to the defense of their former running mate claiming that no county law prohibits disguising meat packing plants as daycares.

On the opposite side, Mayor Blunders of Oil City, the self declared president of Venango County, is calling for Waltz to resign. He even took to LIE social declaring Waltz “doesn’t dance well.”

Waltz tried to respond to Blunders, but was only able to verbalize a continuous “1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3” while moving in circles. We will reach out to him for further comments when he’s done taking a bow.