Punxsutawney Under Elk County Control: Groundhog Day Changed to Elk Appreciation Day

Elk County has officially overrun the Jefferson County region, leaving native groundhogs with nothing to claim as their own. As of Wednesday evening, the Jefferson County military found themselves retreating further south into the capital of Punxsutawney. This came almost two weeks after the initial invasion.

Mayor Phil, who is the self-declared President of Jefferson County, made the hard decision to evacuate when it was clear that the elk of Elk County are far too superior to his groundhog army.

"It is with great sadness that I, President Mayor Phil, have failed the entirety of Jefferson County," states some random guy pretending to be Mayor Phil.

As for the real Mayor Phil, we have been unable to get a statement because he has been buried underground. According to sources, the Jefferson County Secret Service led the mayor into an improvised bunker Wednesday evening. He hasn't been seen since. Experts believe he will surface in Clarion later today.

Last image of Mayor Phil's retreat

With Jefferson County compromised, Elk County has announced their intent to rename Groundhog Day to Elk Appreciation Day. This move gives the official control over the length of Winter. Mayor Bighorn of St. Marys, capital of Elk County, considers this a victorious moment that will shape the world, and potentially even the far reaches of Western Pennsylvania.

Mayor Bighorn boasting of his Groundhog Day takeover

Retaliation plans are being made by the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, also known as PLATO. West Crawford has already withdrawn their troops from Venango and redeployed them at the border of East Crawford. Clarion County troops are currently lost somewhere in Butler and have been declared too stupid to rejoin the fight. Mercer County says they forgot this war was going on. Meanwhile, Forest County is still trying to combat Warren and East Crawford after losing their industrial city of Marienville in a game of poker.

PLATO treaty in blue

Basically, the treaty signed between the six neighboring counties ensuring that everyone will defend each other when attacked is proving to be a complete failure. Each military is too small, and the regions are too vast for everyone to defend each other. Consequently, it's everyone for himself.

Sorry Jefferson. Your prediction of winter lasting six more weeks will have to be paused until you can figure out how to drive the elk out of your region.