Oil City Runs Anti Drug Campaign

The Mayor of Oil City has just announced a new anti drug campaign. Well... Not exactly the kind of drugs you pictured while reading this.

Mayor Blunders stated in a press briefing today "Sweet N Low, caffeine, sugar, Stevia, or whatever you want to call it, is probably the most dangerous drugs in the Venango States and we haven't begun to find out all the ill effects..."

Campaigning against fattening substances has been the Mayors top priority ever since he took on the battle of obesity. But when asked about the drug lords under the bridge connecting the North and South side of Oil City, the Mayor smiled and said "Oh! You mean my supporters..." That's right... The guys dealing crack and cocain under veterans memorial bridge are also Mayor Blunders donors and special interest groups. It makes sense too! Drug cartels are arguably the most profitable industry since the oil dried up in the 90s.

We reached out to one of the drug lords living under veterans memorial bridge. According to High Asakite, his staff "love the mayor and entirely support this war on harmless substances. Those drugs cause obesity and impact the economic structure of our industry."

Mayor Blunders believes that the fight against obesity is essential for gaining international pride. What the Mayor fails to realize is that nobody in Oil City is obese. In fact, everybody is underweight thanks to the drug lords living under the bridge. Our children are so malnourished, that Feed the Hungry wants to shoot a commercial in our local middle school.

The anti drug campaign for harmless substances is one of the strangest battles Blunders has tried to take on. What can be determined is that the druggies vote for the candidates that will leave their kind alone. Meanwhile, major industry won't touch our town with a mile long pole even while wearing a hazmat suit. This is mainly because nobody in the local community would pass a drug test if they applied for a job.

Shout out to Steve who submitted a request for us to write an article about the druggies under the Oil City bridge.